YOU HAD TO BE THERE

My first glimpse of the Traveler was back in The Red War campaign. A friend had recommended I try Destiny 2 and it wasn’t long before I was off and trying to outdo him at everything. I was addicted, well and truly. No game had had this effect on me since World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King and boy had Destiny got its grip on me.

If I wasn’t online, I was sleeping ready to play again.

I couldn’t wait to be running around for Zavala, Shaxx, Ikora, Eris… and Cayde-6. My dreams were full of that silly blue face and his witty retorts. I was completely gone.

I didn’t play from the beginning of the original Destiny, but I did go back and play those campaigns because my friend basically told me I had to before I was “allowed” to properly play Destiny 2. By the time I was properly into D2, I felt like a piece of the furniture.

Looking back to the start of my Destiny journey, all I can hear is that stupid “in the beninging” meme, but I was genuinely so full of excitement for everything.

Even patrols.

I’d grown up on PvE in World of Warcraft and was already someone who would happily deep dive into lore for hours, so this new world was huge for me. It wasn’t just one level, it was planets, factions, characters, history, wars and weird little bits of lore everywhere. Every destination had its own story and its own feel.

I wanted to know everything.

Byf became someone I listened to for hours because I wanted to understand as much of the world as I could. Later on, through Destiny, he actually became someone I knew, which still feels a bit mad to say.

Campaign by campaign it felt fresh and new. The Red War, next to The Witch Queen, was my favourite. I went into Destiny with no expectation of being drawn in, I was just trying a game because a friend was playing it. That quickly turned into me following the story, asking questions ten a penny and getting excited whenever new campaigns and content dropped.

It felt like our world.

We were the Guardians protecting it, rescuing it from whatever fresh disaster had happened and being sent into places that would probably kill anyone else.

I took my role very seriously.

It was never just a game to me.

Destiny 2 gave me a reason to get out of bed during long periods of isolation and pain because of my disabilities. It gave me somewhere to go even when I physically wasn’t going very far. It eventually helped me start streaming, be social and build a community around something I loved.

That’s probably why the sunsetting hit me the way it did.

I think “you had to be there” properly entered my vocabulary when Bungie started removing huge parts of the game. Mercury went. Mars went. Titan and Io went. Curse of Osiris and Warmind were basically gone and then so was the campaign that introduced me to Destiny 2 in the first place. Bungie’s own Content Vault records list those destinations alongside The Red War, Curse of Osiris and Warmind among the Year 1 content that was removed.

And I am still annoyed about Osiris and Vance’s Lighthouse.

I’d been working on this questline for ages and had ONE thing left to do. One. It was timegated and the content was being sunset, so I basically watched the door close in front of me before I could finish it.

That pissed me off more than a little.

Games sunset things, it’s not some brand new concept, but this didn’t feel like losing a random map or an old event.

This was the core of the game.

These were campaigns we thought we’d be playing forever.

How was I supposed to recommend Destiny to someone and explain what this world meant when they couldn’t even play the story that had introduced me to it?

How do you explain Ghaul when the whole campaign where he invades the Last City, takes the Traveler and strips Guardians of their Light isn’t there anymore?

How do you explain what it felt like limping through those mountains with no Light?

How do you explain The Farm when they’ve never stood there?

How do you explain Cayde getting stranded on Nessus and deciding his master plan is basically to steal a Vex teleporter, get close enough to Ghaul to shoot him and then maybe eat a sandwich?

How do you explain why Sweeper Bot carrying on sweeping while the Tower was literally being attacked became one of those stupid little things we all remembered?

You can tell someone it happened.

You can send them a lore video.

You can pull up old cutscenes on YouTube.

But it isn’t the same.

There’s a difference between knowing Destiny’s lore and having Destiny memories.

I would carry people through raids and dungeons and end up explaining bits of story that I couldn’t actually show them anymore. There would be lore I wanted to carry forward but no real way of giving them the context for it.

Ghaul did so much to our main characters and yet, for somebody joining later, he basically didn’t exist.

Characters had trauma from things newer players had never seen. Relationships already existed with half their history missing.

How do you properly explain all of that to somebody with no Red War, no Farm, no Mercury, no Warmind and no idea what it actually felt like to live through those campaigns?

After the sunsetting, it became really difficult to recommend the game without basically saying:

“Yeah, it’s brilliant, but loads of the stuff that made me love it isn’t actually there anymore.”

I genuinely didn’t think we would ever get it back.

When that content disappeared, it felt like my memories had been messed with somehow. I still remembered those places, obviously, but I couldn’t go back to them. It felt a bit like losing touch with an old friend, not knowing if you’d ever see them again or how you were meant to reach them.

That’s the thing about Destiny 2.

Through the highs and lows and all the times it has annoyed the absolute hell out of me, it has always been deeply personal.

It helped me get out of bed.

It helped me start streaming.

It helped me find people.

It became somewhere that felt like home.

So when Bungie announced that work had begun on restoring vaulted Destiny 2 campaigns, destinations and raids, I was so pleased. Bungie itself acknowledged that removing those experiences had a lasting effect on player trust and on the memories people had built inside the game.

I say our content because that’s genuinely what it feels like.

I don’t just want old missions back.

I want other people to finally be able to see what we saw, understand why these places mattered and make their own memories there instead of just hearing about ours.

For years the answer was always the same:

You had to be there.

Soon, maybe you won’t.

THE DESTINY NEW GUARDIANS NEVER GOT

I first realised the issue newer players were having when Dominus Ghaul and his storyline were completely erased. Curse of Osiris and Warmind too were leaving newcomers to begin the game without any context on who this dude was, why we were fighting him and what had actually happened before they arrived.

Removing, essentially, the base game meant people were coming into a really disjointed timeline without knowing figures like Ghaul or understanding some pretty essential narrative arcs. They relied on us to explain what was going on but how could we adequately capture what we’d experienced without absolutely bombarding them to the point they didn’t want to play anymore?

I was so very sad that Titan had gone. It wasn’t like anywhere else in Destiny 2, eerie and oceanic and somehow it felt like you’d turned the same corner of the same building about 200 times, but it was beautiful! I’d often go and sit on a building and just look out to sea.

How sad.

Mars was another one. Escalation Protocol were words that, for years, a newer player would have had absolutely no idea about. It was hugely popular but also absolutely mad when people would leave you fighting the hordes on your own the second they’d completed whatever they needed to do!

We even lost little things like Stephen Fry as the Concierge AI on Mars. Bill Nighy’s Speaker was hugely important during the early Red War too. These performances and characters became another part of Destiny we had to explain rather than something people could actually experience.

One of the most difficult things to explain, especially after the removal of the Forsaken campaign, is A: why something called the Forsaken Pack is still sold when you can’t actually play the campaign it’s named after and B: WHO WAS ULDREN SOV?!

The Forsaken Pack is still available and gives players access to things including Forsaken Exotics, Shattered Throne and Last Wish, but not the original campaign itself.

Newer players have no real experience of who Crow once was and the fact that he killed our Cayde-6.

The Mara and Uldren storyline, who they were to one another and the fact they’re both now our pals... it makes parts of The Final Shape feel so much less meaningful if you don’t know Cayde and Crow’s history.

THE cutscene.

Cayde being shot by Uldren and then, years later, that imagery being echoed with Cayde and Crow.

Wow.

If you weren’t there for what came before, you simply don’t get the same punch from it.

Even Zavala had a huge chunk of his story cut.

HE LOST HIS LIGHT TOO!!

He was ready to give up. Zavala started as this incredibly rigid, authoritarian character and changed dramatically into the man we see today, someone who leads with his heart just as much as his duty.

His hatred for the Cabal softened through the alliance with Caiatl and the relationship they eventually built. Then Season of the Haunted dug into Safiyah and Hakim, Zavala’s wife and son and what is probably the deepest trauma this character carries: losing them.

Without that context, moments involving them later just don’t have the same emotional weight because newer players haven’t lived through the history that made them important.

And physically, we lost part of our Commander too.

Lance Reddick.

I would absolutely love to go back through those old campaigns and hear his lines again.

Ikora went through so much as well. After Cayde died she was ready to tear the Reef apart and wage an unauthorised war to avenge him. Strip that context away and someone meeting Ikora today could easily see her as this calm, level and stoic character.

She wasn’t!

She could be volatile, angry and driven towards some absolutely wild solutions when someone she cared about was hurt.

She had her spy network, The Hidden, and her complicated relationship with Osiris was a huge part of her history too. When so much of that disappears, her role as one of the Vanguard’s leaders loses some of the foundations that explain why she is the way she is now.

I guess showing people through new content was like offering them a really good sandwich, but I’d eaten a few of the layers. They could tell it was a good sandwich but half the filling was gone, so they’d never really understand HOW good it was as a whole.

People would often talk about Cayde-6 and Crow, but it felt like YOU HAD TO BE THERE to fully understand why loving them or hating them wasn’t a decision you could make without the whole picture.

People liked Crow but they’d have hated Uldren Sov and what he did to Cayde. Probably even more if they’d actually seen and felt it happen rather than having me relay the story in brief.

People knew of Cayde. He’s probably the most famous character in the game but they didn’t understand how crucial a role he played in the world we see today. He’s much more than just “the guy everyone talks about”.

Following Zavala’s story from the beginning would’ve made The Final Shape hit a whole lot harder, or at least it did for me. Especially the story around his family and being at his ACTUAL HOME. The same goes for Crow and Cayde and why that relationship matters so much to those of us who’ve played from the start.

It was also really embarrassing when people joined to play with me and felt they’d been a bit ripped off because they couldn’t play the whole campaign series. If that were me, I’d feel like I was too late to get into it and I’d feel shortchanged.

It definitely stopped me recommending the game as much, especially for more than just raiding and PvP, which is a shame because the PvE side is the strongest part of Destiny in my opinion.

It really did feel like we’d been turned into unofficial historians for the game without asking to be. I’m so glad Byf exists because I used his work as a reference constantly with New Lights.

I’d LOVE new players to understand why our relationships with these characters, especially Cayde-6 and Uldren/Crow, matter so much.

The sacrifice.

THE CUTSCENE. THE POSE.

The way their roles are reversed later. There’s such an emotional tug of war there and the trust we didn’t have for Crow at the beginning after hating Uldren Sov is a massive part of why his story works.

New players didn’t just miss content, they missed the content that made us care.

DESTINY BECAME PART OF MY REAL LIFE

Destiny became far more than a video game for me, it became my lifeblood. I spent years rotting in bed with various physical and mental disabilities. After starting the game on Xbox I started to stream to show others how much I loved it! I got pretty good at it too which led to opportunities I’d never have dreamt of.

Beginning in isolation and struggling with loneliness, I soon grew to have hundreds of friends around the world to log in and play Destiny with or just hang out with in voice chat.

I’ve even met some of them in real life.

After a chance encounter in the Tower one night because he had a funny name — Keith Scranner of Pies! — I invited him to a raid, soon found out he lived nearby and he’s now my IRL best friend!

I eventually switched to PC to play and stream the game and had an actual community behind me, in the thousands! I began helping with raids and was soon leading them myself, helping so many people through difficult endgame content.

I even ended up feeding back to devs on accessibility and what worked and didn’t work for me.

THE people that MADE the game!

Bungie signed me up for a global creator group around The Final Shape as one of around 40 people. I remember signing the NDA, feeling super important and excited!!! Then going into the voice meeting with people from Bungie and so many other MASSIVE creators from around the world.

It felt like a dream come true and like I’d been “seen”. It felt really, really special.

Through Destiny I got to befriend Aztecross, Byf and so many other people. I felt so small among these colossal heroes of mine but as they say, “eyes up, Guardian!” I guess!

In one of those meetings we were told there was information we could release publicly to our followings afterwards. One of those things was the name of the new dungeon, Warlord’s Ruin.

I was so excited I tweeted it immediately before anyone else.

Then loads of people started messaging me asking how I knew and demanding a source...

So naturally I panicked, deleted the tweet and emailed our Bungie contact apologising in case I’d done something wrong by telling people.

Ha!

Thankfully I hadn’t.

Other creators started tweeting it afterwards but I WAS THE FIRST and I shit my pants.

I apparently wanted to be seen, just not THAT seen!

It’s funny to me now but at the time I could already envisage myself being dropped from Bungie creatorship at the very least. If it hadn’t been allowed I’d have completely flunked my NDA, so that experience has had me triple checking before I tell anyone anything EVER since.

For the record, Warlord’s Ruin launched on December 1, 2023.

I was also asked to sign up for Bungie Game2Give and given a main slot in the streaming directory. I hit the $2,500 fundraising goal needed for the Metagalactic Bloom emblem, which was extremely sought after at the time. Bungie’s own Game2Give material confirms $2,500 as the fundraising tier for that emblem.

It was amazing to feel that the game I’d grown to love and gained so much from could now help other people too.

I was even asked to take part in an official Bungie stream with six European streamers taking on the Pantheon challenge. Playing alongside those creators was amazing and they never made me feel smaller than them for a second, even though I had way under half the following of most of them across different platforms!

Being recognised by Bungie meant the world to me. It felt like I was being recognised for my gaming, my personality and my ability all at once.

I genuinely felt seen by the people who had made this world possible.

Destiny even made its way into my actual home and, apparently, onto my body.

Mara, my French Bulldog, is named after Queen Mara Sov. They both have very blonde hair and Mara in-game is kickass and takes no shit, she’s a pretty cool role model to have, so obviously I named my dog after her!

And then there’s the fact I have Savathûn tattooed on my back.

She’s such a badass baddie, strong, powerful and a bit devious, which is exactly why I love her. Debra Wilson is such an incredible actress and voice actress too, she gave Savathûn so much personality and made me feel like my own little dark side would probably be a bit like hers.

Strong powerful women make great tattoos!

At that point I think you have to admit the game has escaped the Xbox.

I even met Nathan Fillion because I loved Cayde-6 so much!

Funnily enough I met him at Telford Comic Convention A WEEK before he was announced as returning for The Final Shape.

I got my picture, his autograph and the chance to actually tell him what he had meant to me as Cayde-6.

I fell in love with Cayde in the very first cutscene he appeared in and since then he’s been beside me in physical form with my various figures of him. Getting to tell Nathan that a game and a character he helped bring to life had essentially given me my life back and so much more was pretty overwhelming.

He was really humbled by it and I was just happy that he knew.

It helped that he was such a genuinely lovely person to interact with that day because, obviously, that only made me love Cayde even more!

It’s funny to think of the friend who introduced me to Destiny seeing all of this when he only recommended it on the off chance I’d enjoy it.

Like... mate, look what you started.

Somewhere along the way I stopped just playing Destiny and realised it had become part of my ACTUAL LIFE.

THE PEOPLE BEHIND THE GUARDIANS

I can’t write this piece without mentioning Lance Reddick properly.

He was much more than just a voice actor, he was a gamer too and actively played Destiny. After his death, Bungie even highlighted a community tribute from someone who copied Lance’s own loadout and finished the mission he had been playing before he died.

He brought life and dimension to Zavala that I think is incredibly hard to replace, though Keith David has done a sterling job carrying on his legacy.

Bungie chose David to continue Zavala’s story following Lance’s death while leaving Lance’s existing recorded lines untouched.

I think a lot of what Lance brought to Zavala and the changes the character went through will become even stronger when players are able to experience more of that journey from the beginning again.

I remember hearing online that Lance had died and feeling absolutely broken by it despite never knowing him personally. I immediately wondered how the game would be affected by such a huge loss and whether it would be better to write Zavala out completely.

I think it was handled sensitively, but being true to Our Commander, I don’t think anyone could ever really replace Lance despite how well Keith David is doing.

Zavala feels very different to me now, almost like a new version of the character in his own right. I think that’s probably part of why I didn’t connect with The Final Shape as much as I could have.

Hearing Lance’s voice again in older content makes it feel like the true Zavala is still alive somewhere and Lance with him.

Replaying that old content feels like getting a little more time with him and I’m so glad that part of him hasn’t disappeared.

Another thing I can’t ignore is all of this celebration happening after so many developers lost their jobs.

In July 2024 Bungie cut 220 roles, around 17% of its workforce. Then in June 2026 Sony announced another major reduction affecting most of the Destiny team as well as some Marathon staff. A Washington state filing later put the Bellevue job losses in that 2026 round at 292.

It’s heartbreaking seeing former employees react to the news that campaigns and features they worked on are returning while they themselves aren’t.

They need to be remembered and celebrated too.

Working as a creator and being in contact with people directly affected by those layoffs made it sting even more. Some of them became friends to me as well as people I worked alongside and I’m genuinely angry on their behalf and for the game itself.

This feels like the start of trying to repair some of what happened, but it will never be exactly the same without the people who helped build it.

They were never faceless names to me.

I think it’s very easy to say “Bungie made Destiny 2” and forget that Bungie is hundreds of individual people. Real people with lives, families, problems and pressures of their own.

I can’t imagine how it must feel to leave the game behind, or remain there after watching so many colleagues go, and then see Destiny move from what felt like an ending into this sudden hope of revival.

I think the best way we can remember those people is to enjoy the game they poured so much into without letting the name Bungie become one big faceless entity.

I actually quit and boycotted the game for a while around the layoffs and it took me a long time to come back. Part of what eventually helped was seeing former developers encouraging people to keep enjoying the things they had made.

Now, with so many of those people no longer at the studio, preserving their work somehow feels even more important.

I’d want both former and current staff to know that their work has genuinely changed almost every aspect of my life and I’ll always be grateful for that.

If we’re celebrating Destiny’s history coming home, we should be celebrating the people who made that history too.

WHY BRINGING IT BACK MATTERS

When I heard that Bungie was essentially sunsetting the sunsetting and beginning work on bringing vaulted campaigns, destinations and raids back, I had hope.

Not blind hope.

But hope.

Only a few months earlier, Bungie had announced that June 9, 2026 would bring Destiny 2’s final planned live-service content update and that active development was coming to an end. It really did feel like the end of an era.

Now Bungie’s new leadership is saying something very different: “we are not done with Destiny”, while admitting that removing those experiences damaged player trust. It has promised more details on the restoration work in the months ahead.

It might be coming too late, but I’m willing to give the game another chance with some very reticent hope.

I’m REALLY looking forward to properly returning to Titan if and when it comes back as part of that restoration.

That sci-fi landscape is where I felt most excited in Destiny 2. It was somewhere I could just sit in those sea-green hues and contemplate most things!

We’ve revisited pieces of old places and ideas over the years but Titan, properly, is somewhere I miss massively.

For new players it’s going to feel completely new.

I hope New Lights, or people who simply missed this content, finally understand a bit more about why we love the game so much. Relationships and plot twists might suddenly make more sense when the missing campaigns are actually there to give them some context.

I think characters like Cayde, Zavala, Ikora and Crow will feel entirely different and much deeper.

I’ve done my fair share of carrying people through campaigns but honestly, I’d really like people to play these by themselves and at their own pace.

Treat them more like lore discovery than something to blast through just to tick it off.

Give it its time.

It definitely makes Destiny easier for me to recommend again, but I don’t want to forget who we’ve lost along the way or what it took to get here.

This should have happened much sooner and it’s hard not to still feel bitter about that.

In some ways it feels like closure for Destiny 2. I’m hoping it can be repair and revival in the same breath, while also showing the people making decisions around this universe just how loved Destiny still is and how much people still want a future for it.

It feels like winning one little battle in a much bigger war that’s nowhere near over.

Almost like letting someone back into your life after they’ve been toxic for a while. You still love them but you’re protective of yourself now because you know how much they can hurt you.

No one is beyond forgiveness, but how many times do you let yourself get hurt before you stop trusting them?

Player trust is deeply damaged and I think that hits even harder for those of us who remember all this content being there in the first place.

Even Bungie now acknowledges that removing those experiences had a lasting impact on player trust and enjoyment.

We KNOW what we lost.

Being offered some of it back now can feel a bit like being handed a tidbit when you remember there was a massive steak sitting there before.

Why did it take all of this for us to get it back?

And what happens next?

Part of me still feels like it’s too little too late but I’m reserving SOME hope.

I want Bungie to listen to its playerbase more and learn from how close this game came to feeling dead. I want the people making the decisions to understand why players fought so hard for something they’d spent years loving.

“You had to be there” might get used a little less now, but I don’t think anything can completely recreate what Destiny was like when it was flying high.

You can re-add the content.

You can’t re-add the memories.

You can’t recreate the adventures with REAL people we played with at the time or bring back every developer who was there when those campaigns first released.

You can’t completely recreate the excitement around a new expansion dropping, everyone exploring it at the same time or the seasonal stories building around it.

That part really was something you had to be there for.

I just hope newer players realise there’s so much more to this community than a game.

For a lot of us these weren’t simply campaigns that got removed.

They were parts of our lives.

Destiny will always feel like home to me, even if that home feels a little threatened and unsafe right now.

I’ve cried real big girl tears of happiness AND sadness throughout my time bobbing about underneath the Traveler and somehow I doubt that’s ending today.

I’m sure I’ll be back teaching more New Lights how to play, except this time I might actually have the context to point them towards instead of sending them into a six-hour Byf deep dive.

Sorry Byf.

We still need you though!

For years the answer was always:

You had to be there.

Soon, maybe you won’t have to.

Read the piece at www.riffandrespawn.com

In this episode I read my Riff & Respawn piece Songs That Make You Feel Like Absolute Shit - In The Best Possible Way: a look at the songs we turn to when we need to sit in the sadness, scream along, cry properly, or just let something out.

This isn't a playlist for cheering yourself up. It's for the moments when you need music to meet you exactly where you are.

Heavy, emotional, cathartic, and sometimes painfully comforting.

Read the original piece: www.riffandrespawn.com

In this episode, I look at my relationship with horror, the endless chase for something darker, nastier or more unsettling, and the point where gore and jump scares just aren't enough anymore.

From slashers and extreme horror to psychological dread, uncomfortable storytelling and the films that actually stay with us. I'm asking, where does horror go next - and what are we really looking for when we keep pushing for more?

Based on my Riff & Respawn article When Horror Isn’t Enough: Where Do We Go Next?

Why I turned Kingdom Hearts on

Lying in bed unable to sleep, generally feeling pretty rotten and overwhelmed by situations surrounding me, I felt the draw to game quietly and try to pull myself out of the slump. I hadn’t streamed in a week, and when I had, it felt monotonous. I didn’t feel committed to the games I’d chosen.

Feeling fragile, I decided to replay Kingdom Hearts III. To be honest, I needed Goofy, affectionate and optimistic, and I needed Donald, grumpy and affected. Both of my spirit animals rolled into one. I also wanted to hit things!!! The Keyblade is pretty satisfying to bash Heartless with while swinging from the architecture at high speed!

There's something about returning to a world you already know, too. I didn't have to learn who these people were or what kind of experience I was getting myself into. I knew Donald would annoy me, Goofy would make me feel weirdly safe, and Sora would probably say something painfully sincere. Familiarity takes some of the work out of existing for a while.

I wanted nostalgia, comfort and a distraction from the hurt life had thrown at me lately. Something that felt close and intimate; a solo experience, but with some supportive chums. Kingdom Hearts III has all of that and more.

“Face My Fears” suddenly meant something

Hikaru Utada & Skrillex - Face My Fears [Official Video]

Sitting on stream, loading up the game, I was struck by the incredible music. I was listening to it in a new way; it was hitting my ears differently than it had when I’d played before, back when I was feeling generally okay about my life.

The “Face My Fears” cutscene played, and the sincerity in Hikaru Utada’s voice cut through the veil of normality and caught me right in the feels! Life feels pretty bleak right now. I’ve lost a connection to someone who meant a great deal to me, and in other areas of my life as well, things just feel hopeless.

I had already started to feel like I needed a “day one” reset — to start thinking about me again and investing in myself. Those lyrics hit me hard and came at a time when I really needed them. I truly do need to face my fears of life right now and rally.

The combination of chocolate-smooth Hikaru, twinned with the glitchy in-and-out of Skrillex’s signature sound, made it hit deeper still. My ADHD brain connected with it, and an itch I didn’t even know I had was truly scratched in satisfaction.

Without realising, I was shaking and nodding my head to the beat, and I found myself feeling markedly better… hopeful, even? Lame, I know.

I felt drawn to “watch me cry all my tears… let me face my fears.” It felt like it was narrating my life currently and showing me what I was going to do next. Powerful stuff when you’re feeling so low you don’t even realise you need a sign to keep going!

Kingdom Hearts has always been ridiculously sincere

Friendship, fear, losing people, finding people again, choosing hope anyway. Those sentiments have always felt a bit… cheesy. Care Bear kind of cringe. DISNEY through and through!

But something about the way they’re presented in Kingdom Hearts feels like a soft hug when you’re needing one.

I could easily have played DOOM, but I CHOSE to play Kingdom Hearts for the same reasons I’d put on a Disney film when I’m feeling crappy: sometimes I just need that. I need to feel understood, and these themes are very present in my life right now. I don’t want something that’s going to emotionally batter me and leave me feeling worse. I need to feel understood, but with kid gloves maybe. Guided through it.

It works because it isn’t entirely Disney love and cuddles. I can still get my rage out with my Keyblade selection, just not in a visceral or violent way. It still feels pretty powerful to do, even while being watched over by your childhood heroes.

I hadn’t played any of the Kingdom Hearts games before III, but I did grab it at release back in 2019. I think back then, whether it was because I was feeling better about life or just generally saw it as a game, I didn’t connect with it like I have this time.

Something has changed. Or maybe I’ve just picked it up at exactly the time I needed it.

Either way, it hit.

It really did.

Comfort games aren’t just escapism

Did playing Kingdom Hearts III solve life’s problems? No.

Did it give me somewhere for my brain to sit for a few hours of peace, without constantly replaying every mistake I’ve made and the pain I feel currently? Yes.

It also reminded me that there is more to life than just what’s around me right now, even if I can’t see it. It felt genuinely therapeutic.

Gaming can be emotional regulation just as much as escapism. When you’re completely alone in the night with nothing but desolation and despair, everything can feel more isolating, amplified by the silence and your surroundings.

Getting into a safe place in a game, being able to switch off while still hearing messages of optimism and hope — even in a really cheesy way — can help. Sometimes the cliché is exactly what you need to help swallow the pill.

I didn’t need someone sitting beside me telling me everything was going to be okay, directly applying that sentiment to my personal situation. I think I needed to absorb it indirectly through the experience of the game.

It felt less obvious, but somehow just as effective, if not more so, because I came to those conclusions myself rather than having them injected into me by somebody else.

There can sometimes be pressure to try and be okay when people are telling you to pick yourself up — and fear around what happens if you can’t.

But when you’re sitting there whacking things literally called Heartless, it felt like I’d taken some of that physical and mental upset out on the demons appearing in the game and, in very Disney fashion… some of the ones inside myself too.

Maybe facing your fears doesn’t look heroic

Sometimes it’s not a Keyblade and a giant boss.

Sometimes it’s getting out of bed, streaming again, exercising, writing, making plans and accepting uncertainty. It’s knowing that whatever is ahead, you’re not alone.

Even if I can’t summon a really cool pirate ship in real life, I think I’ll be okay.

THE PUNK GOES… ERA

From my first listen of Yellowcard’s “Everywhere” to “Still Fly” being screamed out by The Devil Wears Prada right through to Our Last Night doing “The Fate of Opehlia” now, I’ve ALWAYS been a sucker for taking pop, rap or something completely non-heavy and turning into a full-on moshing masterpiece!

Half the time I didn’t even know the original songs before hearing the covers but that usually made me go back and listen to them just to see what had been changed, what had been added, and how the band had managed to drag it into their own world. I love a bit of 90s/00s boyband cheese but give those same melodies to a rock or metal band and suddenly they hit completely differently.

A Day To Remember’s “Since U Been Gone” was one of the first that really stuck with me. I already knew the original was good but the lyrics worked ridiculously well cross genre and the heavier version just scotched an itch I didn’t know I had.

That’s part of what makes these covers so fun. You can completely change the energy of a song without necessarily changing the song itself. Male-fronted metal bands singing songs written from a woman’s point of view, sometimes changing girl to boy and vice versa but sometimes just leaving it exactly as it is. Our Last Night screaming “WHERE IS MY HUSBAND?!” without touching the lyric just makes the whole thing even better.

And honestly, that’s a lot of the appeal for me. I can already love the bones of a pop song without necessarily relating to the package it came in. Give me the same melody, the same lyrics, but with heavier guitars, screaming and a bit more chaos and suddenly it feels like it belongs in MY world too.

Also, screaming “WHERE IS MY HUSBAND?!” adds another emotion entirely when you’ve been single for what feels like six hundred years. At this point I’m not politely looking for him. I’m fucking sick of kissing frogs. My white knight has probably fallen off his horse somewhere, twisted his ankle and is lying in a ditch waiting for assistance because apparently he’s incapable of getting here on time!!!

There are definitely covers I prefer to the originals, especially when it comes to pop but there are also songs where the original artist is basically untouchable. Backstreet Boys, for example, have such a specific sound and aesthetic that a straight copy wouldn’t interest me. What I love instead is seeing bands take that influence and play with it without becoming a tribute act.

That’s why what Electric Callboy are doing lately has me questioning my entire taste in music. They’re not just copying boyband aesthetics, they’re taking that ridiculous glossy 90s/00s energy and smashing it into their own sound. Same ingredients, completely different meal.

Disney is another one I am ABSOLUTELY here for. Johnathan Young taking Disney songs into metal territory, Magnolia Park covering “i2i” from A Goofy Movie for “A Whole New Sound”. That kind of thing just completely takes over my body, I can’t control the vibes!

I love the Punk Goes… series, obviously, but the more I think about it I’m not sure was ever just attached to those albums.

I think I’m obsessed with the bigger idea.

Mashups. Covers. Genres bleeding into each other. Taking something that supposedly doesn’t belong in heavy music and seeing how far you can push it.

Music experimentation is so fucking hot.

WHEN COVERS ESCAPED THE COMPILATION ALBUMS

It feels like social media completely blew the doors off what you can actually do with a song. Covers are one thing but then you get mashups, genre flips ridiculous combinations that absolutely should not work but somehow REALLY FUCKING DO!

DJ Cummberbund is probably one of my favourite examples of that. Taking Snoop Dogg and Dr Dre’s “The Next Generation” and smashing it into Disturbed’s “Down With The Sickness” should sound like a cursed idea but it hits the ADHD part of my brain perfectly… LONG BEACH ENGLEWOOD! The Last Resort/Papa Roach mashup sent me even further down the rabbit hole because once you start listening to how cleverly he layers things together, you realise it’s never just song + song = mashup. Chester Bennington over Fred Durst, MACHO MAN!? Tiny samples buried everywhere, lines crossing over in ways you don’t expect. There’s so much going on and I absolutely love it!

Then you’ve got people like Rain Paris, Fame on Fire, Punk Rock Factory, Our Last Night and so many others who’ve built proper identities around covers. That’s the difference for me. It’s not just “here’s a famous song but with guitars”. They’ve already got such a clear sound that even if they were doing entirely original music, I’d probably still listen. Add a song I already know into that and suddenly you get that brilliant “WAIT, THEY DID WHAT?!” feeling on top.

And covers make me want to check out original music too. If I fall in love with the way a band has interpreted somebody else’s song, there’s a pretty good chance I’m going to want to hear what they do when the song is completely theirs.

That’s what makes the best covers work. They don’t just sound like karaoke with guitars.

Although, to be fair, I fucking love singing along, so karaoke with guitars is not exactly an insult!

The ones that really stick with me are the covers where the artist brings their entire personality into it while still respecting what made the original good in the first place. They’re not rewriting the whole thing from scratch or trying to pretend the original never existed. You can still hear its bones, but everything around it has been twisted into something new, heavier, weirder, more theatrical or just completely unexpected.

Punk Rock Factory are such a good example of this because they cover everything from Disney to musicals and TV themes and somehow it all works. I think part of that is nostalgia. You hear something you loved as a kid or something tied to a film, show or musical, but now it’s been dragged into the kind of music you listen to as an adult. It scratches two bits of your brain at once.

You already know the words. You already know the melody. You’ve already got the memory attached to it.

Now it’s got guitars!!!

Of course I’m going to lose my shit!

That’s also why artists like Jonathan Young work so well for me. Disney, games, anime themes, whatever - it’s recognisable enough to pull you in but transformed enough it doesn’t feel lazy. Simple Plan doing Scooby Doo works for the same reason. It’s nostalgia, but through the filter of the music you actually love NOW!

And live, I think that becomes more fun.

Recognisable covers pull people together ridiculously quickly because everybody comes to them from a slightly different place. Some people love the original. Some love the band doing the cover. Some are there for nostalgia. Some just want to hear something familiar absolutely battered into a heavier shape!

That creates this weird little community around one song.

Covers also travel incredibly well online. They’re instantly recognisable, they make people stop scrolling and I genuinely think they can act as a gateway into heavier music for people who might never actively go looking for it. If somebody only knows the pop version and then stumbles across a heavier cover they love, suddenly there’s a whole scene sitting behind that one song waiting for them.

And I think Our Last Night are probably one of the clearest examples of turning that into an actual identity. They have original music, but their covers are such a huge partof how people know them now. I’ve literally found myself checking their pages just to see what the hell they’ve covered next!

At that point, the cover isn’t filler.

It’s the event.

WHEN POP STOPPED BEING THE ENEMY

When I was growing up, everyone at school seemed to get put in a box. Scene kids, emos, metalheads, skaters, ska kids, the Hip Hop RNB lot, then the chav crowd with dance music and the popular girls listening to Britney Spears and Destiny’s Child.

It all felt weirdly tribal…

Which is funny because I was absolutely a scene kid/metalhead/emo band still wouldn’t have looked out of place listening to *NSYNC, Cypress Hill, OPM, Shania Twain or even classical music! My music taste has always been all over the place. There were whole genres I thought I didn’t like and then one song would come along and completely ruin that theory.

Electric Callboy covering “We Got The Moves” territory so perfectly sums that up for me. Something can pull dance, pop, metal and ridiculous Euro-club energy and somehow still feel completely coherent.

Back then though, it definitely felt like people were more defensive of their genre. If you were into heavy music, there was almost an expectation that you had to dislike pop on principle. Rock and metal were the rebellious outsiders, while pop was treated like this shiny mainstream machine you were supposed to look down on.

And honestly, that attitude has always been a bit boring.

When I first heard Electric Callboy leaning fully into that boyband-esque sound, I honestly thought it had to be a meme!

To be fair I LOVE that band, but I’m not exactly going to pretend they approach every concept with deadly seriousness… ha!

BUT IT BLOODY WORKS!

You get these soft ridiculously clean vocals, the little twinkling sounds, those very 90s boyband transitions and then suddenly… in all white, as we stand up in unison from grouped chairs, preparing for our best choreography in an inevitable balladlike pop chorus… it breaks down and the growls send us through the fucking floor!!

That contrast is what gets me.

Safe and completely unsafe at the same time!

It scratches several different bits of my music brain at once and I love that they don’t seem embarrassed by any of it. They commit completely. Even the visual side leans into that polished pop-group aesthetic, then the song turns around and punches you in the face!

With the German accents on top of it, I still maintain Electric Callboy would be incredible Eurovision chaos. Imagine the judges…

Then there are covers like “Cruel Summer” from Sleep Theory where you can really hear how easily a pop song can survive being dragged into heavier territory. The melody and emotion are already there. Add huge vocals, screams and heavier instrumentation and suddenly it doesn’t feel like a novelty anymore. It just feels like the song has found another form.

That’s probably one of the biggest things that has changed.

People seem much less obsessed with labels now and I’m genuinely glad about it. Your playlist can be completely unhinged and nobody has to call half of it a guilty pleasure anymore!

Metalcore already borrows from pop constantly anyway. Huge choruses. Ballad-style vocals. Massive melodic hooks. Electronic production. R&B phrasing. Meanwhile pop itself keeps getting heavier, darker and more aggressive.

And it’s not even one-way traffic.

We’ve got country artists covering rock and metal songs, metal bands messing with country Sleep Token tribute acts doing country versions, Jelly Roll crossing into rock spaces, Hardy sitting somewhere between country and heavy music and bands like Falling in Reverse collaborating with artists who would have once been considered completely outside their lane!

The walls are getting thinner.

And I think music is better for it.

I still love metalcore. I still love heavy music. But country has songs I love. Pop has songs I love. Rap has songs I love. There are tracks sitting next to each other in my playlists that would probably have got me kicked out of several different school cliques at once!

GOOD.

I can now happily sing “Thong Song” by Sisqó word for word with my tattooist Joel Heywood (Oceans Ate Alaska), with absolutely NO shame!

I think it’s way more fun to care less about what genre something is supposed to be and more about whether it actually does something to you.

Does it make me want to scream the chorus?

Does it make me want to dance?

Does it make me want to throw myself into a pit?

Does it make me feel something?

Perfect.

That’s enough.

PUNK GOES POP DROPPED TOMORROW

If Punk Goes Pop suddenly came back tomorrow, I’d already have a few recommendations ready to throw at them.

DREAMERS — “Black and Yellow” (Wiz Khalifa)
Fame on Fire — “Fireflies” (Owl City)
Our Last Night — “Habits” (Tove Lo)
Rain Paris — “Flowers” (Miley Cyrus)
No Resolve — “Set Fire to the Rain” (Adele)
Leo Moracchioli — “Paint the Town Red” (Doja Cat)
State of Mine — “Careless Whisper” (George Michael)
Jonathan Young — “Pink Pony Club” (Chappell Roan)

And then there are the songs I don’t even necessarily have an artist in mind for yet. I just know someone needs to get hold of them and make them heavier immediately.

“We No Speak Americano” — Yolanda Be Cool & DCUP

This already has that completely unhinged, bouncy energy that would lend itself ridiculously well to electronicore. I want the main hook intact, loads of synths, stupidly heavy guitars and then some disgusting breakdown appearing where absolutely nobody asked for one.

“Boss Ass Bitch” — PTAF

I don’t want this done tastefully.

I want filthy riffs, screamed vocals and absolutely zero restraint. The attitude is already there, it just needs someone to drag it through a metalcore production desk and make it violent.

“C’est La Vie” — B*Witched

Tell me this wouldn’t work.

It’s already ridiculously catchy, the chorus is begging for pop-punk guitars, and I can practically hear the gang vocals already. Keep all the sugary 90s energy and just shove a pit underneath it.

“In for the Kill” — La Roux

This one could go genuinely dark.

Keep the synths, let the verses stay atmospheric, make the chorus absolutely massive and then drop the whole thing into something nasty underneath. This is probably the one where I’d want less of a joke cover and more of a full reinvention.

And then there’s “You’re Beautiful” by James Blunt.

I know there are versions floating around online, but I want an actual heavy band to take this one seriously.

One of the most polite, fragile sad songs ever written, turned into something huge and emotionally devastating? Give me clean vocals, desperate screams, massive guitars and a final chorus that sounds like someone’s having a complete breakdown in a car park.

That is exactly the kind of unnecessary musical violence I’m asking for.

And that’s basically the whole point.

Sometimes I don’t want a cover because the original needs fixing.

I want it because I already love the song and I want to hear what happens when someone from a completely different musical world gets their hands on it.

Sometimes the answer is tasteful reinterpretation.

Sometimes the answer is more guitars.

And sometimes the answer is obviously:

breakdown.

MAYBE PUNK GOES POP NEVER ACTUALLY DISAPPEARED…

Maybe Punk Goes Pop never actually disappeared.

The albums stopped. The idea didn’t.

It escaped the compilation CDs, got onto YouTube, Spotify and TikTok, picked up Disney songs, rap tracks, boyband aesthetics, country influences and whatever other nonsense people could throw at it.

And honestly, I think that’s better.

We don’t need permission anymore for two genres to touch.We don’t need a special album title explaining this joke.

Sometimes a song just needs someone to hear it and think:

“Yeah. But what if this was heavier?”

And apparently that question has a LOT of mileage left in it.

PLAYER TWO: What song would you metallise and who are you making cover it?

IT STARTED WITH AN ENTRANCE

Wrestling has always been a favourite for our family, with my Gran following Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks in the 70s-90s, she’d always have it on in the background when we went round for fish and chips on a weekend. She only had one leg and we used to take rides on her electric wheelchair… she looked like a wrestler herself!

I remember watching and then playing the games on PlayStation with Scotty 2 Hotty’s worm as a personal favourite “showboat”. The storylines, the heel, the insane moves that I then practiced on my brother and had to shush him before he cried to Mum about how I’d hurt him, making a trade by offering him some of my chocolate or “my time” on the PlayStation that day.

The music was a massive part of the appeal for me though. It could tell you so much about a wrestler before you’d even seen them in a match. Their attitude, their character, whether you were about to see someone have a really bad time… all from those first few seconds. I’d even choose wrestlers in the games just so I could hear their entrance music again!

I remember hearing Maria’s “With Legs Like That” and immediately rushed to check out more of Zebrahead’s discography, leading to me interviewing them in Birmingham as a guest at their show!

Papa Roach I knew from their early work but found “To Be Loved” (the Raw theme of the time) which became an earworm for me for weeks after, it’s still a top song for me and I love playing it on Clone Hero! It takes me back to watching WWF/WWE as a child, in the dark with only the light of the tv as we’d have to stay up extra late to watch it with it being live from America.

FROM ENTRANCE THEMES TO MY OWN PLAYLIST

Listening to Zebrahead’s “With Legs Like That” or Jim Johnston’s themes for the likes of Melina and Ashley Massaro made me feel powerful and strong, like the women I was watching on screen. Sexy, fun, strong women with equally epic music to walk out to. I wanted to be them, quite honestly! I was inspired!

After watching the Divas’ entrance videos on repeat on YouTube, I headed straight for LimeWire (sorry!) and downloaded everything by Zebrahead I could find. I loved Ali’s rapping alongside the sung vocals and their whole “I don’t give a fuck” attitude. “Hello Tomorrow”, “Anthem”… it turned out there was more than just ONE song that made me feel this way.

I HAD to see them! I was a music journalist at the time so I contacted them through their website and asked if I could interview them ahead of their Birmingham UK show. They put me on the guestlist and invited me into their dressing room to record the interview and hang out!

They’d just been to Cadbury World and had been gifted a LOT of Jack Daniel’s. This was a sweet and sour night in the best way, ha! I remember Ali being an absolute gentleman, larger than life, INCREDIBLY BUFF, and Matt being incredibly sweet, I had THE BEST time.

MC Lars was supporting and he was amazing too. Finding artists through other artists, then going home with even more music to listen to. It all happened so naturally!

A wrestling entrance led me to their music, then into their dressing room with a dictaphone! Somewhere in all that excitement, I felt some of the confidence I’d seen in the Divas I adored like Maria Kanellis. The song that made me want to BE her had brought me HERE!

With Papa Roach, it was a little different. I already knew Last Resort and a few other songs, but hearing it opening RAW made it feel charged and new. The music, the footage, the anticipation of what was about to happen… it all worked together and made that song stick. It’s still one of my favourites to play on Clone Hero and even now I can’t quite separate it from that excitement. Wrestling introduced me to new bands but it also made me hear familiar ones differently!

YOU KNOW WHO IT IS BEFORE YOU SEE THEM

Some entrances make me react from the very first sound… I can already picture who’s coming out before I’ve even seen them. D-Generation X is one of those!!! I’m listening to it while writing this and already lip syncing, knowing every word and picturing Triple H and Shawn Michaels in their tight trousers, doing the X. SUCK IT!

The music fits that cocky, rebellious attitude so well. That bassline! The cymbals! The vocals have exactly the right amount of attitude and the whole thing feels like a massive fuck you to whoever they’re about to meet in the ring.

I don’t think they’d have had quite the same impact walking out to “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” but who knows, ha!

Then there are the songs that make me put up with a wrestler even when I’m not their biggest fan. Edge and Randy Orton spring to mind… “METALINGUS” WOW! That is THE WWE theme song for me and Burn in My Light for Randy? Yeah, cool as fuck, I get it. Even when they were heels and I wanted to see them lose, I could still appreciate the entrance.

Hearing those songs played live at gigs brings all that excitement back. You hear the opening and there’s a little part of you wishing the wrestler would come out and make a surprise appearance. They haven’t at any of the shows I’ve been to but apparently I’m still expecting it.

WHEN MY FAVOURITE BANDS ENTER THE RING

I’ve literally just walked in from the garden like I’m Steve Austin approaching the ring… I was meant to be having a break! That’s what this music does to me. Should probably give the cupboards a warning promo because Mum didn’t book a hardcore match in the kitchen!

Already loving Falling in Reverse and Saraya made hearing “Zombified” as her entrance theme even better. With her and Ronnie dating at the time there was something quite sweet about it too. What a cool thing to get to share as a couple and a fucking great song to walk out to!

With Motionless in White, I was a fan before I knew much about Rhea Ripley. I recognised Chris’s voice straight away. Hearing it on WWE was an immediate OMG THAT’S THEM! moment and it made me more interested in her too.

The music suits her so well. The way she carries herself, her alternative look, her ink… it all works for me. Then having MIW actually play live for Mami’s entrance at Wrestlemania? YES!

Watching the band there with her made it even better. The music, her entrance, the performance of it all. It was theatre and I loved seeing two things I enjoy so much come together like that.

I got excited for the band too. They’re already famous obviously, but there will be people watching who’ve never heard them before. Someone who recognises the entrance music but hasn’t yet thought to look up who’s voice that is. I love the thought of them going off to explore more and finding their next favourite band!

That’s what happened to me with Zebrahead. I really hope someone gets that same experience from hearing Motionless in White through Rhea. Wrestling and music have given each other so much and I can’t see myself getting bored of that feeling any time soon!

ONE ENTRANCE, A WHOLE NEW PLAYLIST

Looking at my music taste now, wrestling has added so much. Bands and styles of heavier music I might never have found otherwise and songs that are still my favourites years later. I’ve even got to meet and interview some of those bands, having experiences I still struggle to believe happened!

Sometimes the music sticks because it belongs to a wrestler I already love. Other times I’m not their biggest fan but the song JUST WORKS. It gets a reaction out of me before I’ve even thought about it. Apparently that includes walking through my own house like I’m about to enter the ring…

If you loved an entrance theme but haven’t explored the artist, DO IT! You might find yourself years later, albums and gigs deep into a band you first heard for a minute or so on a wrestling show. I certainly didn’t expect listening to Maria’s entrance music to lead to interviewing Zebrahead in their dressing room but I’m very glad it did! Not PURELY for the free choccies, ha!

I hope wrestling keeps bringing bands into that world. The music gives so much to the entrance and the entrance gives people a reason to remember the song and find out who’s behind it.

I’m finishing this with Batista’s theme, Mick Foley’s “Wreck” and some Rey Mysterio, BOOYAKA BOOYAKA 619! It’s been a lovely trip down memory lane, although listening to all this has done absolutely nothing to help me sit still. Now to find me a tag team partner, I’m primed to Devil’s Kiss… Mum’s kitchen has survived THIS round!

PLAYER TWO: Which band or song did you discover through wrestling and what would be your own entrance theme?

WHEN YOU DON’T WANT TO FEEL BETTER YET

Sitting in the dark listening to Telomeres by Sleep Token, I realised I needed to cry. It sounds stupid, I just have so much going on behind the scenes at the moment and it’s really getting to me. Complications surrounding the person I like romantically and miss so very much, family drama I feel like I have no control over and constant pain and exhaustion from my disabilities… the pressure has been building and it wants to come out in it’s usual way, through my choice of music.

I thought hey, I can’t be the only one to purposefully listen to sad songs to help them to cry and get this stuff out? Let’s write about it! I’m sure half of the people reading will think I’m completely mad and the other half will be nodding vigorously.

When I’m upset and feel like this, Mum often tries to get me to listen to something happy and uplifting, she knows when I feel low because I have a complete soundtrack of depressing and melancholy tracks that I go to specifically. Not to alert everyone around me, although I’m sure it’s helpful for them to know they need to RUN! Ha! But to push through the floodgates and cry a good cry to relieve the pain a little.

When I find the right song, tonight it seems to be Let Me Leave by Currents, I stick it on repeat and can’t listen to anything else or they have to at least make me feel a similar way, until it’s out and I’ve passed through and I can then go back to listening to Boss Ass Bitch etc.

It’s definitely a journey and I feel entirely worse when I first start listening to sad songs, almost by osmosis the pain of the lyrics and the sadness of the song fills me and eventually, I cry. It’s a deliberate act, I know it’s going to absolutely destroy me in the moment, but that’s what I’m looking for.

Crying to music can feel so much more freeing than simply trying to “pass through it” for one, my body doesn’t work like that, it just builds and builds in me as a physical ball of stress and depression until it starts spilling into everything and I need to cry just to get it out.

There is a real difference between a song just sounding sad and being able to relate to it, I need the lyrics to understand the specific kind of sadness and the reasons behind it and to feel genuinely understood in that moment, even if the artist intended it to be about something else. It’s what I TAKE from those words and how they fit to my particular mood at the time.

I was listening to Crawl Back To My Coffin by Dayseeker tonight and I thought damn, there’s an article here. It’s going to be really exposing but hey, I’m sure I’m not alone, right?

WHEN A SONG KNOWS EXACTLY WHERE TO HURT

It’s difficult to pinpoint exactly what makes a song fit the bill for these occasions. Sometimes it’s the lyrics, sometimes the vocal delivery, melody or atmosphere, usually it’s some combination of all four!

Sleep Token’s Telomeres, particularly the section that begins “we go beyond the farthest reaches…” gets me every time. Something about the intensity with which Vessel sings it, combined with the melody and lyrics, makes me wish someone would feel like that about me one day. It feels like devotion to someone and from someone, in a way I don’t think I’ve experienced. Tonight, the grief in it comes from wishing I could have that with someone I can’t be with right now.

Similarly in Let Me Leave by Currents; the reverb, the beautiful minor guitar in the background, the almost tired sounding vocals going into louder raw shouting, feeling what he’s talking about, desperation, regret, hopelessness… it’s theatre for me.

The screaming section and angry guitar breakdown combined with crashing drums lets me release the emotion I feel without having to shout loudly myself, I’d wake the neighbours and I don’t want to display myself THAT publicly, I can listen and process with my headphones on and go through the inner turmoil in a more dignified way by listening to someone else express themself like that.

Listening to Crawl Back To My Coffin by Dayseeker, I reshaped Rory’s lyrics into what I needed them to mean tonight. I thought: I can’t be the only person who does this. This song feels like having hoping in a relationship, only for it to end the same way as the ones before it… crawling back to your coffin after someone made you feel so alive.

I think heavy music opens up more in the way of opportunities to express feelings than more conventional sad songs; screaming, anger in the form of heavier instrumentation… the juxtaposition of the heavy, angry and jarring against the more recogniseable “sadness”. Vocal cracks, screams, swells, breakdowns, stripped-back sections…. all of these aid in breaking the dam!

There are definitely singers that can make me feel this way with ease; Vessel, Rory Rodriguez, Noah Sebastian…but I’ve been listening to songs like this long before they existed, Evanescence/Amy Lee’s My Immortal (also a great cover by Dayseeker!), Avril Lavigne’s I’m With You…. this isn’t a new thing for me, these are just some of my current favourites. Let’s be honest, it has USUALLY been about unrequited love even as a school girl! Hey… I’m a lover, alright?!

SONGS FOR WHEN YOU NEED TO MAKE IT WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER

I just went outside to take a break and ended up lip-syncing My Immortal under the stars like I was starring in my own low-budget emo music video. Which, honestly, probably tells you everything you need to know about the songs on this list. All I needed was a downpour of rain and I’d be set!

MISSING SOMEONE YOU CAN’T HAVE

Sleep Token - Telomeres

This song feels right for this category of sadness. Starting with just piano and Vessel singing, it feels empty and really sums up the feeling of being alone musically. Whatever Vessel intended it to mean, for someone who doesn’t have that kind of love it can feel like envy, longing to be the person someone feels that way about. The anthemic guitar breaks up the vocals and gives you time to digest what has just been said, allowing it to hit deeper. His vocal trills almost sound like actual crying. It’s beautiful in a tragic way. “Let the tide carry you back to me…” I wish it would.

WHEN SOMEONE MADE YOU FEEL ALIVE AND THEN LEFT

Dayseeker - Crawl Back To My Coffin

There’s something horribly effective about the image in this song. Someone comes along, drags you out of whatever emotional grave you’ve been hiding in, makes you feel alive again, and for a while you genuinely believe maybe this time will be different.

Then they leave, or things fall apart, and somehow you end up right back where you started - except now you remember what it fe1lt like to be alive which almost makes it worse.

That’s what this song does for me. It captures the horrible mixture of hope, embarrassment, grief and again “why did I let myself believe in this again?” energy. It isn’t just missing someone. It’s missing who you were when they were there.

WHEN YOU NEED TO SCREAM WITHOUT ACTUALLY SCREAMING

Currents - Let Me Leave

Sometimes sadness isn’t quiet. Sometimes it’s frustration, anger, desperation and wanting to scream into the void until your throat hurts. Let Me Leave gives me that without me actually having to do it. The vocals get harsher, the guitars get heavier, the drums crash in and suddenly all that pent up emotion has somewhere to go.

I don’t have to explain myself or find the right words, somebody else is already making the noise for me. I can sit there with my headphones on, let the song rage on my behalf and come out the other side feeling like I’ve released at least some of it.

WHEN GRIEF NEEDS IT’S OWN SOUNDTRACK

Linkin Park - One More Light

With National Suicide Prevention Day only yesterday, this one has been on repeat a lot. I’ve been thinking about my friend Ceri who died by suicide in 2022. His birthday is next month, as well as it being the anniversary of losing him.

Chester’s voice, the vulnerability of the whole song and the context of his own death make this one especially hard to listen to. It makes me feel closer to Ceri while somehow making his absence feel even bigger at the same time.

Sometimes I can’t listen to this song, or others that bring that grief up for me, because I know it would push me too far into it. But when I can, One More Light feels like an anthem for anyone who has lost someone… and for people who have found themselves in that darkness too.

WHY HEAVY MUSIC DOES THIS SO WELL

Heavy music just works better for this kind of sadness sometimes. A soft ballad can be devastating, obviously, but there are days where sad isn’t just sad. It’s anger, grief, frustration, wanting to scream, wanting to throw something, all of it mixed together. Sometimes you need something heavier to lean into.

Screaming in music helps because it fe1els like someone else is doing it for me. I’d love to stand on a mountain and shriek until my lungs gave up but I’d also be horribly self conscious and probably scare someone half to death… So headphones it is. I c1an sit there and lip sync along like an absolute lunatic and it still feels like some of that energy has gone somewhere.

The contrast matters too. Heavy songs can go from soft and almost delicate into something absolutely crushing and I think that’s why they fit sadness so well. Feelings don’t stay at one level, they build, drop off, come back, get angrier, get quieter. The music does the same thing.

I think heavy music lets you feel all of it at once1 instead of making sadness sound pretty. Sometimes sadness ISNT pretty. It’s ugly, loud, messy and completely overwhelming.

And weirdly, once I’ve let myself go through all of that with a song, I usually feel calmer. Like I’ve actu1ally got some of it out instead of sitting there trying to pretend I’m fine. I’m not hurting myself, I’m not taking it out on anyone else, I’m just letting someone else scream it for me for a bit.

Sadness is ugly, loud and uncontrollable sometimes. Heavy music gets that.

THE PART WHERE YOU EVENTUALLY COME BACK UP FOR AIR

Eventually the song ends, or I get bored of replaying the same one for the fifteenth time and something shifts. I’m still sad, obviously, music hasn’t magically fixed whatever is going on in my life, but I feel less full of it.

That’s the best way I can describe it really. Beforehand everything feels packed in too tightly, like I’m carrying too much at once and there’s nowhere for it to go. After I’ve cried, listened, lip synced dramatically under the stars or let someone scream into my headphones for me, there’s a little more room in my head again.

Sometimes I put something lighter on afterwards, sometimes I sit in silence for a bit and sometimes I apparently go straight back to Boss Ass Bitch like nothing happened. There’s no big ritual to it. I just know when I’ve had enough.

There is one thing that can completely ruin this very serious emotional process though: whatever deranged algorithm decides what comes next. You can be three songs deep into staring at the ceiling, crying your eyes out and having a full existential crisis, then suddenly Apple Music decides BABY SHARK is apparently the natural progression!!! Nothing drags you out of your own tragic little music video faster…

Honestly sometimes the algorithm has the emotional intelligence of a teaspoon.

I don’t think sad music works like this for everyone and I’m definitely not saying you should deliberately make yourself feel worse if you know it sends you to somewhere unhealthy but for me, leaning into it for a while helps me process whatever I’ve been trying not to feel.

Sometimes I don’t want cheering up, I don’t want someone telling me everything will be fine. I just want a song that gets it, lets me fall apart for a bit and then helps me come back up for air.

And apparently sometimes that means standing outside pretending I’m Amy Lee!

PLAYER TWO: What’s your emotional damage song? The one you deliberately put on when you know you need a good cry.

TOO REAL TO WATCH

Mum and I have a similar sense of humour, interest in true crime documentaries and love to watch horror films together… there are SOME however that she won’t touch. The Green Mile is one of them. If violence or death in fiction feels TOO real then she can’t even HEAR about it, let alone watch it. In this case, the execution of a death row inmate.

I would say where Mum and I differ is that I can watch things like this happen. I know Mum understands it’s fiction, but knowing that doesn’t make it easier for her to watch. It IS upsetting to me too but I watch with an appreciation and respect for people who’ve actually gone through these situations.

Something that DOES cross a line for me is anything to do with animal cruelty, I imagine that’s something that Mum feels when she watches these scenes. I find it really difficult to watch something happen to an animal with no understanding of why or what is happening to them, this is one of the reasons I am vegan.

I wouldn’t casually ask Gran about the war. Gramp was away serving in the RAF and lost many friends and colleagues. For her, that history is personal, tied to someone she loved and people who never came home. I can choose to watch Saving Private Ryan or read a Holocaust survivor’s account, then put it down afterwards. That’s a different relationship with history from having it woven into your own life and family. My interest doesn’t mean someone else owes me their memories.

I think my boundaries have changed over time, I’ve noticed things become easier for me to watch with familiarity.

Playing as Michael Myers in Halloween the video game got me thinking, how had I gone from running out of the room at Beast’s scream in Disney’s Beauty and the Beast to controlling a horror-film killer myself? Was it simply growing up, familiarity or something about how I experience fictional violence? And beyond my own experience, was our appetite for gore actually growing or had we always wanted to look?

HAVE WE ALWAYS WANTED TO LOOK?

Discovering that people watched staged mutilation at the Grand Guignol, a Paris theatre in 1897, is quite a surprise to me though it probably shouldn’t be when you read some of Shakespeare’s plays! A pound of flesh… I don’t think I’d have managed to sit through that, personally,. Even if ACTED out in front of me it would still feel too real.

Charles Nonon, the Grand Guignol’s last director, argued that the boundary between reality and dark imagination has definitely blurred as modern warfare atrocities often match or EXCEED that of the horrors depicted in speculative fiction.

It leaves me wondering whether our appetite for violent entertainment has grown or whether we simply have more ways to encounter it and talk about it. The existence of the Grand Guignol complicates the idea that wanting to watch something gruesome is new. Real atrocities, too, long predate social media. That doesn’t tell me whether the world is becoming more violent but it makes me question how much of what feels new is about visibility. Are we witnessing more, or being shown more of what we once could have AVOIDED seeing?

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER HORROR

REAL violence appears everywhere today, from the news to a casual social media scroll between completely different videos. It appears without me CHOOSING to see it.

Scrolling on social media platforms, sometimes my feed feels full of videos from members of the public having witnessed something terrible and getting their camera phone out to capture it. I always wonder what I’d do in these situations but I think filming it would be the furthest thing from my mind. Recording CAN document events or preserve evidence; my concern is particularly about how someone’s suffering is circulated and consumed.

It feels awful to think that I can scroll past the end of someone’s life without even realising it, that their final moments have become nothing more than pixels to feed into an algorithm, pushed to unsuspecting people like myself.

REAL footage affects me in a different way. I immediately recognise that was a person going through something terrible and it WAS NOT staged. Even if a film is much more graphic, I don’t think you can ever shake the feeling of knowing that someone endured whatever it was you saw and THAT is scary.

I think repeated exposure to things like this might do several things; make you feel less shocked when you see it, more distressed or more inclined not to go scrolling on these apps again.

After seeing these real-life experiences, horror afterwards can feel like a controlled escape, where I KNOW the suffering I’m watching is STAGED.

HOW MUCH FURTHER CAN WE GO?

Watching the Saw films, I’m drawn to the idea of justice presented through the killer’s twisted logic. There’s something compelling about the supposed bargain: confront something about yourself and endure a terrible sacrifice for a chance to survive. It feels like a gruesome form of poetic justice, even as I question who gets to decide that someone deserves the punishment.

Is that part of the appeal for me - the story giving the violence a purpose I can follow, however disturbing? I surely didn’t have any qualms with John Wick taking several lives to seek vengeance for his dog!

Hostel feels entirely different to me because it’s not about any “just cause”. The violence feels deliberately gratuitous, yet somehow I still enjoy watching it. I think the building of suspense, the characters’ attempts to escape, knowing the killer is never far away, the atmosphere… these definitely play a part too. There are some parts of gore that feel very rea1 however and the split ankle scene in this film is one of them. I always cringe and feel very funny in my legs when that happens! I wonder why that specifically?

When I watched When Evil Lurks, it felt more extreme to me because nothing was off limits. I won’t go into the “gory” details but no one was safe. It stayed with me because, with the dog scene, I could imagine what was going to happen… and then it did… I couldn’t believe they’d gone there! There were also parts that I wouldn’t have imagined being in a film… it worked with the story but it felt new and it was shocking to me.

I think motive and story play a lot into what works well for me. Saw wouldn’t be the same I don’t think if there wasn’t that psychological element behind it. I don’t think I’d be as much of a fan if it were just the traps with no explanation as to why. Violence for violence’s sake is not something that entices me.

When I finish one of these films and feel sufficiently shocked and as though my brain has had a good workout, I look for similar films. It’s not about things being “more graphic” for me. I think the story attached to these scenes is what attracts me and affects me differently.

WHEN FEAR BECOMES DESIRE

I keep seeing reels and fan fiction discussing being “chased through the woods”. I keep coming across novels that feature that specific trope of being stalked and hunted through woods by some dangerous antihero.

People seem to be a lot more open about their preferences these days in the dark romance discussions I see online. I have a friend who reads a LOT and is very candid about it! It seems to be the pursuit, danger, mystery (often enhanced by a masked figure!) and I’d imagine, being so desperately wanted that they’d kill to have you!

I imagine part of the appeal is the pursuit, a loss of control, while still deciding when to close the book. That feels like an important distinction to me. A fantasy about being pursued doesn’t automatically mean wanting to be stalked or harmed in reality. If someone chooses to explore that fantasy with another person, consent, agreed boundaries and the ability to stop MATTER.

My response changes when the person being romanticised is a real killer. There are actual victims behind that story and I struggle with anything that makes the perpetrator desirable while pushing the people they harmed out of view.

THE KILLER GETS THE SPOTLIGHT

I have watched a lot of dramas based on serial killers and some of my favourites are by Ryan Murphy in his Monster series: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story, The Ed Gein Story.

What interests me in these dramas is the attempt to explore how these crimes happened and how other people were affected. I don’t watch them because I admire the killers but my own repsponse doesn’t settle the question of whether a portrayal glamorises someone. What I take as disturbing, another viewer might turn into a romantic fan edit. That gap between what a programme presents and what an audience takes from it is what troubles me.

I wonder how much “attractive casting” shapes those reactions, could “pretty privilege” cause people to unconsciously sympathise with the character ? Social media influence with its meme culture and fan edits can turn killers into heartthrobs, blurring the line between reality and fiction; where does admiration for a performance end and romanticising the real person being portrayed begin?

From Marc Jacobs saying he would dress Luigi Mangione who admitted to killing UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson in New York City. The August 2013 issue of Rolling Stone sparked widespread public outrage and boycotts by featuring Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on its cover. These examples make me question how easily coverage of violence can take on the language and imagery of celebrity.

Mum and I enjoy watching true crime documentaries because of the justice involved or seeing the tireless efforts of those who look for the truth in cases that remain unsolved. It’s about highlighting real life stories so that victims and families aren’t forgotten and often get their chance to talk about how it has affected them. Seeing the perpetrators face justice is also a good way to put it away neatly in our brains after watching.

It’s the victim for me that remains in my mind after watching, sometimes wondering WHY the killer did what they did, but there isn’t always a clear explanation available to us. I think when brutality illustrates the effect it has had on their victims without glorifying it, it can help show us, as people who haven’t experienced a situation, some of the gravity of it.

WEARING OUR NIGHTMARES

I own several horror-film T-shirts, some of them featuring Scream. There’s something I ADORE about Wes Craven and his mocking of typical slasher films and the “rules” they all follow. I love the references and nods to previous films, including John Carpenter’s Halloween.

It feels good to share that love with other fans, maybe at conventions or even just walking into my tattooist’s studio! He spends half of his life recreating these characters on our skin!

For me, wearing Ghostface or Michael Myers merchandise celebrates the craft and the films. NOT a real-life killer who has committed atrocities.

Music ADDS to that enjoyment. Ice Nine Kills are famous for their horror film tunes and “Play Dead”, their song for the game Dead by Daylight, is one of my favourites. The way the sound builds makes me feel as though I’m fleeing a killer or doing the chasing.

When a frightening killer becomes a familiar mascot, it changes what I’m waiting for. I recognise the mask, I know the conventions and part of the enjoyment is anticipating what comes next. But if familiarity becomes part of the appeal, does horror always need to go further? Or can returning to something we know be enough?

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN MORE STOPS WORKING?

When I started writing this I wondered whether we needed increasingly extreme violence in our fiction to satisfy our hunger. I’ve realised that, for me, the appeal depends on how it makes me feel, the story and characters around it. The chase, the anticipation, the escape from the everyday, something far from the norm that we can safely turn off after and resume our own lives.

I think being surprised by a film is different to pure shock at how far it can go with gore. The reason I respond so well to some of those titles mentioned in my piece is that they were not where I thought the film would go and they took directions I didn’t expect. That’s what feeds my horror fantasy, the wish to be surprised, I think, even in unsavory situations, the ability to let my brain off its metaphorical lead for a little.

I wonder whether there’s a point where overt cruelty stops offering us anything surprising. I think of people rediscovering vinyl: could horror audiences also find something rewarding in revisiting older approaches? Perhaps suggestion, atmosphere and sound could give us something we aren’t getting from another explicit image. What might a film make us imagine if it left more unseen?

I can enjoy extreme fictional horror, find comfort in familiar characters and still be deeply affected by real suffering. Those things can exist together. What I’m looking for next is something that surprises me and gives me a reason to keep thinking after the screen goes dark.

PLAYER TWO: Does horror need to go further to frighten you, or is it what a story makes you FEEL that stays with you? What film, game or book still gets under your skin and why?

From Buffy and my personal connection to Anthony Head to Atomic Frenchie-the comic that first brought Thomas and me together-we explore his work, creative influences and the stories behind the pages.

This episode features me reading our written interview, including Tom's answers.

Read the full feature:

https://www.riffandrespawn.com/p/beyond-the-panels-a-conversation

Riff & Respawn covers heavy music, gaming and accessibility, alongside conversations with people creating things worth discovering.

EVERY STORY STARTS SOMEWHERE

In 2018, a friend, and writer himself, Chris Halliday, sent me a special gift “just because” in the form of a graphic novel. What an awesome friend! This gift was particularly pertinent because, as a Mum of 5 French Bulldogs at the time, its concept was a French Bulldog trying to take over the world! Something I could definitely see happening in my own little pack of miscreants!

After I fell in love with Kirby, the lead-pooch, Chris introduced me to Atomic Frenchie’s artist, Tom McWeeney and writer Thomas E. Sniegoski… it was the start of a great friendship that included lots of real-life stories about cheeky little dogs! Kirby was Thomas’ own French bulldog!

Learning more about Thomas, I found that I’d met the creator Thomas Sniegoski before the person himself! As a big Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan and of comics generally, Thomas has dipped his paw into many great franchises as well as creating his own!

Riff & Respawn: What was the comic or story that first made you think, “I want to write things like this”?

Thomas: Great question! Hmmmmm. With comics it was when I read DC Comics The Saga of Swamp Thing #21. The story was called The Anatomy Lesson and it was written by Alan Moore, and drawn by Stephen Bissette and John Totleben. I was on a bus, coming home from Boston and I can remember being absolutely riveted by the story and art. I’d been reading comics forever, and loved them dearly, but this was the first time a comic story had ever affected me. It was a glorious experience. I think I read the comic two or three times in a row, on that bus trip home. It really changed how I thought about comics, and storytelling. Gives me the chills even thinking about it now.

And, with books . . . I think it was when I’d read the most recent novel of one of my favorite authors and it just wasn’t any good, and that shocked me. It felt as though he was just going through the motions on this particular novel. I remember reading it and thinking, damn, I could do this . . . and better. But I think that was the beginning of the spark that made me sit down and write my first novel.

SIT. STAY. RULE THE WORLD.

I fell in love with Kirby, a tiny dog with an ENORMOUS ego, because that’s exactly what French Bulldogs are and why I’ve owned 6 over the years! They’re compact little clowns but when I’m walking Mara, she’s ready to take on anything from cars to Clydesdale horses and she fully believes the world is made for her and everyone else around her is the chorus. She’s probably not far off…

Thomas watching Kirby and imagining what was going on behind those big beady eyes is something I think we’ve all done as dog owners but especially as Frenchie parents. With seemingly blank expressions but a little mug that says so much is going on behind them…. it’s probably very true that they’re thinking of world domination, starting with how to get you to fill their food bowl and give them tummy rubs! “Human, you were made to meet my needs!”

From my own little family, I think Leia was the most likely to become the supervillain, although the gang would have to overcome sleeping constantly to get anything done! She once ate the pages of an antique illustrated Bible (Mum was thrilled as you can imagine!), so if that doesn’t strike you as villain-esque, I don’t know what does! My rescue, Vader, who Mum always said reminded her of Marty Feldman (his eyes…) only had three legs and was always wanting to get into mischief but he’d have definitely been given away by his truffling for snacks and wouldn’t have been very successful!

Atomic Frenchie is so clever because not only is it the story of a supervillain, you don’t lose ANY of the affection behind the mischief. You can feel love around his antics, a beloved dog becoming a character with adventures of his own.

Riff & Respawn: Atomic Frenchie is my favourite of yours, and it’s how we first connected because I have a Frenchie myself! What inspired you to turn one into a supervillain intent on ruling the world?

Thomas: Atomic Frenchie was totally inspired by my own French Bulldog at the time, Kirby (named after God-like comic creator, Jack Kirby!) He was such an amazing dog. There was just something about him that made you believe that he was always thinking, working on the solution to some sort of problem. It wasn’t much of a stretch to suddenly believe that he was thinking of a way to conquer the world. HA!

Riff & Respawn: My Frenchie, Mara, certainly has enough personality to carry her own comic. How much of Kirby’s behaviour came from watching real dogs, and what’s the most ridiculous thing that made it onto the page?

Thomas: It wasn’t that I was watching other dogs, I was just watching Kirby. He was totally unique. There was just something about him—he was so busy, and calculating. You could almost imagine him going off to a secret laboratory someplace to work on his plans when nobody was looking.

Tom McWeeney was the incredible artist and co-writer on the Atomic Frenchie adventures and nothing really came across as ridiculous—everything looked just awesome. If I had to pick one thing it would have to be in Book 2 (The Cow With the Nuclear Heart) when Kirby takes on a motorcycle gang in the desert. It just has to be seen to be believed. Incredible stuff.

INTO THE BUFFYVERSE

Buffy the Vampire Slayer holds a special place in my heart for several reasons; not only because Christopher Golden’s were some of the first “young adult” books I read at school for “reading time”

I was happiest disappearing from melancholy life into titles such as Halloween Rain, so seeing Thomas mention Christopher Golden - whose name was on those childhood reads - as his best friend and frequent writing partner brought another personal connection to this interview. Those books gave me more time with characters I already loved, an escape from school and the excitement of another creepy adventure!

Buffy and Giles, have a special place in my heart because later in life I became friends with the late, great, Anthony Head himself. Another connection thanks to my French Bulldogs! Sarah, Anthony’s partner, also sadly passed, was an animal trainer and practitioner in Tellington TTouch. We first met through horses and then I would visit her at Tilley Farm with my own Frenchies where she introduced me to Anthony. They gave me a tour of the farm and talked about the wonderful work they did and shows their horses had been in, including I remember being told that Anthony rode one of their own horses in an episode of Buffy!

Anthony had time for everyone. He and Sarah were some of the most genuine and loving people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. To find out that Thomas brought his character of Giles to life in comics AND games, alongside Christopher, was even more cool!

Riff & Respawn: I knew Anthony Head, so Buffy has a personal place in my heart. When you were writing Giles, how did you capture the voice and mannerisms Anthony brought to him?

Thomas: Anthony Head was an amazing actor. I loved his work. I only got to meet him briefly one time at San Diego Comic Con, but I believe my frequent writing partner and best friend, Christopher Golden had spent more time with him and said he was just a fabulous individual.

When writing an established character, you have to be able to remember things about their performances, how they move, how they speak. There’s a lot of trial and error as you’re writing them. There’s often quite a bit of reading the dialogue that you’ve written out loud (while attempting to do your best impersonation!) to try and fine-tune/capture the actor/character’s voice.

Riff & Respawn: Was there a side of Giles you particularly wanted to explore that you felt we hadn’t seen enough of on screen?

Thomas: It was a long time ago, but Christopher Golden and I wrote a Giles one-shot comic for Dark Horse (drawn by the amazingly talented Eric Powell!) that tapped into some aspects of Giles’s past. That’s what always fascinated me about him. There were so many different facets of the character that could have been explored. I would love to explore the character further.

Riff & Respawn: What’s the hardest part of stepping into a world like Buffy or Angel, where readers already know exactly how the characters should sound?

Thomas: That’s really the hard part. Once the characters are firmly established in people’s heads you really have to work extra hard to make sure that you’re ‘getting’ them right. My very first novel was an Angel novel—The Soul Trade—and I had to write the character of Doyle, who had a bit of an Irish brogue and a specific way of talking. That one was especially tough because it was my very first novel, and I was super fixated on getting all the voices right.

THE ART OF MONSTERS

From Kirby’s plans for world domination to the darker territory of Vampirella, Thomas’s work gave me plenty of room to ask about two things I love seeing together: horror and humour.

Riff & Respawn: You’ve written everything from Atomic Frenchie to Vampirella. What changes in your writing process when you move from something funny and mischievous into something much darker?

Thomas: You know what? Things don’t really change all that much. It’s all about telling the best story as possible and amusing yourself as well as your readers. Even in my darkest stuff you’ll find kernels of weird humor, and vice versa with my funny stuff—there’s some dark, creepy stuff in there as well. Basically, what it comes down to is me amusing myself. If I’m not feeling it, I don’t think my readers will be feeling it either. I have to be enjoying myself so that’s why I often put aspects of all the things I like—humor, horror, etc.—into the work.

Horror, to me, is comfort in the escape as well as getting to experience fear with an ending. Humour added to that recipe can take you on a real journey. It can feel wrong to laugh along with but I think characters like Art the Clown in Terrifer work so well because of this.

Riff & Respawn: Horror can be comforting even when it’s full of monsters. What do you think draws people towards those worlds, and what draws you back to them?

Thomas: I think horror is the perfect escape from a really scary world. We can become immersed in the world of monsters, ghosts and all manner of things that go bump in the night knowing that once we’ve experienced the horror there will be some sort of finish—some sort of release. Horror is very cathartic. We experience fear and the sheer terror, and then we can let it go. The horrors of the real world don’t go away as easily. They always seem to be there when you wake up, especially these days. Give me a big ass monster any day over that! HA!

Riff & Respawn: When you’re working with an artist, what’s it like seeing something that only existed in your head become a character or scene on the page? Have they ever taken it somewhere you hadn’t imagined?

Thomas: That’s one of my favorite things about working in comics. The artists that I work with take my descriptions, and my ideas that I’ve put down in words and bring them to life visually. It’s really, really exciting—and I’ve worked with some of the most talented people in the business and I’m super proud that they chose to work with me. Seriously, there’s nothing better than imagining something, and then seeing that the artist has taken my words and created something even more spectacular than I originally imagined.

THE SOUNDTRACK TO WORLD DOMINATION

Seeing an artist bring your ideas to life is one part of the process but what’s playing in the background while those ideas take shape? With Riff & Respawn, I was always going to ask about the soundtrack…

Riff & Respawn: Music is a huge part of Riff & Respawn. Do you write with music on, and is there a band or album that you associate with a particular character or book?

Thomas: I’m a HUGE fan of motion picture soundtracks. I usually put on something that sort of fits the mood of what I’m writing. I can’t write to music with lyrics. The words from the songs get in the way of the words I’m trying to put on the page, if that makes any sense. Classical music is always very cool to write to—Mozart, Beethoven, Handel, Bach, Vivaldi—the big dogs. Movie scores? I love the work of Hans Zimmer, John Williams, Jerry Goldsmith, Ennio Morricone, Danny Elfman, Michael Giacchino.

The music helps establish the mood of the written piece, and the characters are shaped by the mood, so there isn’t any specific piece of music that inspired a character . . . though there is a song by Brandi Carlile called The Story that makes me think of my main character Remy Chandler.

I always listen to music when writing for Riff & Respawn. It can really help my inspiration. If I’m writing about a certain artist then I’ll put them on or if I want to capture a theme or mood in my piece then I’ll put music on that will naturally help me lean into that emotion. I really feel it helps my work!

Game and film soundtracks can help you take a step into that world. I always listen to the World of Warcraft music Invincible and feel as though I’m in the icy winds of Northrend, honouring Arthas’ noble steed!

Riff & Respawn: Are you a gamer, and if you could turn any of your own stories into a game, which would you choose and how would it play?

Thomas: I’m not much of a gamer, though Christopher Golden and I wrote the two Buffy the Vampire video games, so that might give me some gamer cred. HA! Personally, I think Atomic Frenchie would make an amazing video game. It would just be pure insanity as you either try to stop Kirby from taking over the world, or you help him! That would be amazing!

I think Atomic Frenchie would make a fantastic video game! I’d be first to sign up for playtesting! I would definitely want to play AS Kirby and cause havoc… I think I’d have a lot of fun playing AS a Frenchie rather than catering to my real-life one’s every whim for an hour! I think his supermove or “Ult” would have to be noxious gas… that’s very true to life! 100 percent critical hit chance!

WHEN THE SPARK NEEDS REST

Riff & Respawn has given me purpose, excitement, confidence and connection after a long time literally rotting in bed alone. My nickname is “100mph Cari!” however and often my ideas outpace my energy. It can feel as though I’m trapped behind a wall, knowing there’s something really cool the other side but not being able to do anything about it. I beat myself up about that a lot but have gotten better at pacing myself of late.

With my neurodivergence I find taking breaks really difficult as I’m always hyper functional, if I’m not actively DOING or preparing to DO then I feel as though I’m failing and it builds like a pressure until I’ve actually pushed through doing it, come hell or highwater.

Riff & Respawn: As someone rebuilding a creative life around disability, I’m interested in how other writers keep going. What has helped you through times when your confidence or creative energy has taken a knock?

Thomas: This is a super important topic, I think. One’s mental health is SO important to the creative process. I think most creative people struggle with some form of mental health issues, be it depression, or imposter syndrome. Some, of course, way worse than others. But it’s very important that we recognize this in ourselves and seek some sort of help. It’s a terrible way to feel, and does not lend itself to creativity. I think realizing that there might be an issue is the first step in solving the problem. Seeking out professional help is the next.

There are some days when you’re just not feeling it. I always recommend taking some time off—read a good book, or read some inspiring comics or watch a favorite movie or television show, go out for a walk, hang with some other creative type friends. All of these things have helped me in the past to recapture that creative spark.

I think that’s the part I’m still learning: enjoying a book, watching a film or taking some time away can be part of a creative life too. “100mph Cari” might need reminding that she doesn’t have to be doing 100mph every day!

THE NEXT CHAPTER

Having explored the stories that first inspired Thomas and the character that brought his work into my life, I wanted to finish by looking ahead. What’s next from the imagination behind all these monsters and mischief-makers?

Riff & Respawn: You always seem to have something new on the go, and I want to give that some space too. What are you working on now, what can you tell us about it, and where should readers go to keep up with you?

Thomas: Oh boy, I’ve got all kinds of cool stuff that I’m working on, some of it with my writing partner, Jeannine Acheson (You should interview her! She’s brand new to the crazy world of comics and writing crazy stuff! I bet she’d have an interesting perspective to share about all this stuff!)

Let’s see, I’m currently writing a new Vampirella series for Dynamite Entertainment called Vampirella Paradise, I’m finishing up the new Frankenstein New World series (I don’t think that’s been announced yet). Jeannine and I are getting ready to start writing a new Grim Death novella called The Clock Strikes Murder! Grim Death is a character created by me and Mike Mignola (the creator of Hellboy!).

There are some other things, but I can’t talk about them yet because they haven’t been officially announced. Let’s just say that I’ll be busy and hopefully staying out of trouble—hopefully.

Thomas has given me permission to share the news that he’s finishing up a new Frankenstein New World series! I’m delighted to include that little look ahead here at Riff & Respawn.

What started with a gift from a friend and a French Bulldog plotting world domination has led to friendships and connections I couldn’t have imagined back in 2018! From the Buffy books I disappeared into at school to the stories Thomas is still bringing to life, there’s been something really special about joining the dots through this conversation.

A huge thank you to Thomas for his time, his honesty and all of the wonderful mischief and for letting me share a glimpse of what’s coming next.

And if that Atomic Frenchie game ever happens, you know where to find your first play tester! Team Kirby, sorry, humanity.

PLAYER TWO: YOUR TURN

Which fictional world first made you fall in love with reading? Tell me in the comments and if your pet were a supervillain what would their special ability be?

In this personal episode of Riff & Respawn, I read my piece on Obsession, exploring what I loved about the film and how its portrayal of control and fear connects with my own experiences of domestic abuse.

Alongside the film discussion, I share what it meant to live around unpredictable violence, to tread on eggshells and to feel that leaving didn't necessarily mean escaping.

Content note: Contains film spoilers, discussion of domestic abuse and coercive control, violence towards animals, and references to suicide. Please listen at your own pace and step away whenever you need to.

Read the full piece, including support information:

https://www.riffandrespawn.com/p/you-wished-for-this-obsession-coercive

Written and read by Cari, founder of Riff & Respawn - heavy music, gaming, horror and accessibility.

Join me, Cari, for the second and final part of Riff & Respawn's feature interview with Tom and Lachlan from Patient Sixty-Seven.

I'm back reading their written answers and sharing my own reflections as we continue exploring the people behind the music and the games that bring us together.

Missed part one? Start there, then come back for the rest.

Explore the written features and more from Riff & Respawn:

www.riffandrespawn.com

Contains strong language.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

Sitting on the sofa with Mum, scrolling endlessly through streaming platforms, deciding what to watch, I remembered friends had seen Obsession and asked me if I’d watched it yet. I decided to give it a go. It had clearly stayed with them, why not?

I knew nothing about the film other than its title, Obsession. That’s the way I like to go in, blind and with no expectation. I’d somehow managed to avoid online spoilers too, which I’m grateful for, now I’ve seen it!

I didn’t expect a film to play on my emotions so much, from “Awwwh that’s sweet” to “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?” The premise is: a lonely music store employee uses a magical novelty charm to force his longtime crush to fall in love with him, unleashing a dark and violent nightmare.

Nightmare… the dictionary definition of that is usually associated with a “bad dream”. A vivid, unpleasant dream during the REM sleep stage that causes strong negative emotions like fear, terror, anxiety, or sadness. You’d be forgiven for thinking some weird entity was stalking people in their sleep, maybe Freddy Krueger style, but no…

Its alternative meaning: A stressful, shocking, or extremely unpleasant real-life event or situation. This film was so terrifying because the monster isn’t always so far from home…

LOVE ME - OR ELSE

Opening with the adorably awkward Bear, practicing how he’s going to ask his crush out on a random waitress, I felt for him immediately. We’ve all had that nervousness when deciding to tell someone we like them. He was relatable and seemed very innocent which immediately made me fall for the “underdog” character he projected. I wanted him to succeed in the form of winning his crush’s approval and living happily ever after!

Even with his “wish” for Nicky, his crush, “to love him more than anyone else in the world” I was still rooting for them… the amount of times I’ve wished on stars and screenshotted weird times on my phone “as a sign” 11:11, 12:34 etc. as though wishing on those and actually having the evidence would make my plea stronger… weird I know!

Very quickly after the beauty of the film’s start, things began to look a little darker… as SOON as Bear had wished, Nicky begins acting very strangely to say the least… It’s startling and shocking and you don’t really FULLY understand the consequences of what he’s done, although I think even at that point I started to realise, even in some small way, that he’d probably undo it if he could. She wasn’t “HER” anymore.

It really felt weird, it felt forced and I was more on Nicky’s side of things now, I was still torn between, had she seen him make the wish and was fooling around? Or had it actually worked? If it had… was that her will? It felt a little wrong to mind control someone into loving you, no matter how much Bear wanted it and no matter how pure I’d thought his intentions initially were.

I could see a lot of myself in Bear wishing and wanting someone he loved to love him, but it was Nicky, whether herself or “possessed”, that really began making me worry. It jumped from the screen to the sofa as I watched. This wasn’t the first time I’d seen reactions like that…

THE MONSTER DOESN’T ALWAYS LOOK LIKE ONE

The film is so terrifying to me because the fear goes beyond a fictional monster, it’s real people, each dealing with their own version of one fucked up situation. I lived through a family member and their own version of this “posession” in the form of alcohol. As with Nicky, I didn’t blame them, they were being controlled but that doesn’t make the behaviour acceptable.

Watching Bear struggle to find excuses and essentially treading on eggshells definitely echoed my own life. I used to do anything I could to appease them, as with Bear, I’d be frightened to tell the truth in case it sparked some big blow up from them and I spent many sleepless nights wishing I wasn’t alive, ultimately, what Bear goes through in the end.

The coercive control of not being able to go anywhere or to be back at a certain time “or else”, slowly alienating everyone around you in “protection” of them which they would never realise. The party scene really hit home for me. Maybe not a direct comparison but I remember being at an after school club and wanting the world to swallow me up as they swore and shouted at my best friend’s Mum, drunk driving, nearly hitting them and this was somewhere I had to go back to every week.

I was a young child and it started before I can even remember but the effects of this live with me. I AM SAFE NOW but it’s important to talk about I think. So many people had no idea what was going on at home, they thought my family member was just “different”, no one ever has or probably will understand the extent of what we went through.

The Sarah scene really hit the nail on the head, Bear reaches the point of sneaking out to see her, something I had to do many times, for safety and respite even for an hour. KNOWING I’d have hell to pay when I got home because they were drunk and angry and even poverty and world hunger was my fault…

Bear goes to see Sarah but he knows that if Nicky finds out he’s going to be in huge trouble, he doesn’t directly realise, I don’t think, that she’s in danger too. Something I lived through in being told that if we ever tried to leave, if they couldn’t find us for any reason, they’d set fire to the house of friends and family members and kill them. That threat was very real and we couldn’t risk the lives of other people so we just did what we were told. Sarah, in the film, is a depiction of what we feared growing up.

Even the cat scene where she feeds Bear his own deceased cat brought up trauma for me, I was bought a puppy and then the family member shot it in front of me when I was around 7 years old. That is the single most terrifying and horrendous thing I’ve ever experienced in my life and so I can really relate to the feeling of Bear’s realisation that the memory of his beloved pet has now been tainted and corrupted by someone else’s actions. It shows that NO ONE is safe when people act like this, man or beast.

A CAGE BUILT ONE BAR AT A TIME

In the film, Bear doesn’t seem to fully relax when he’s in the car with Sarah because he likely knows he has very little time and/or that he’s being monitored by Nicky. Having lived this experience, I knew it was only a matter of time before Nicky appeared. We would have to flee the house a lot and there was never a warning of when the family member was going to “blow up” and we’d need to run. No one knew so how could we ask for help? If we involved anyone we’d endanger them too.

SO many times I got detentions for not doing homework when I’d spent the night before sleeping on the school carpark in Mum’s car. Begging her to take us home so that we could sleep properly but knowing that if we did go home we’d end up taking physical and mental attacks until school time. We were safer away from the house but we knew that there was EVERY chance that this person would turn up to where we were, that they were out trying to find us.

We only had a family mobile phone at the time, a 3310, thankfully no location sharing then, but we still turned that off just in case. We’d turn it on when on our way home only to find 50 voicemails and missed calls ranging from pure rage in wanting us to come home, to blackmail, to weeping, begging and guilt tripping for leaving them alone.

I felt guilty being away from the house rather than it being enjoyable, I could never switch off the fear and panic that I was going to be summoned back or that the family member would turn up. It was safer not to have friends because how in the hell could they come over to mine? I LOVED going to friends’ houses but I knew that would leave my other family members in the line of fire so I rarely went anywhere and we stuck together as a unit most of the time like some secret service group that had more information on trauma than anyone would ever want to know.

When people say “why didn’t you just leave?” I find that really difficult to hear, for one, it’s documented that that’s the most dangerous time for someone when they say that to their abuser and if they were killing animals we owned and threatening our extended family, what the fuck do you think would’ve happened? There is no way we could have escalated what happened bringing it to the doors of other people, we were already in real fear of our OWN lives being taken how could we put that fear onto anyone else? We believed it was contained as long as we “played the game”. For a very long time it was.

It wasn’t all horrible, they loved us, they truly did and their were real moments of sincerity even if they were clouded by copious amounts of whisky. The difficult thing for people to understand is that I loved this person with all of my heart and I knew they were struggling, they had stints of sobriety and they were the best days, I held them dear when I was staring down the barrel of a gun aimed at my face, I tried so very hard not to be resentful because I believed, even as a child, that this wasn’t their CHOICE.

That’s the problem though, as with Nicky, you get moments of real love and beauty and then BANG you’re slapped in the face with the harsh reality that it won’t last. The strength of the love and care is equaled by the rage and malice that replace it.

SURVIVING IS NOT THE END OF THE STORY

I am safe, physically. This person thankfully became sober and we lived a couple of years as real family before they died of natural causes. The scars left behind are faded but still exist. The up and down, back and forth, was exhausting and brought on PTSD for me and my Doctors think it may have been a trigger for my M.E. (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis) to be triggered. I could take the physical abuse but the mental torture is what has ruled my life, even today.

It has affected the way I love people romantically, anxiously attaching because I’m so very scared of losing them. I can see myself in Nicky to some degree, in her anxiety. Before I got help, reassurance wasn’t ever enough for me. I had real fears that everyone in the world was going to leave me in some way, be it by choice or death. Seeing Nicky crying and begging to hear “I love you”, in fear of abandonment and searching for reassurance, held a mirror to me I didn’t really want to see, thankfully I’m healed enough to realise that’s what I could be like too! NOT the violence however, I’d seen so much I couldn’t bear to inflict it, I even became vegan!

I’ve spoken about what happened to me for many years but it took until this year, age 38, to realise the true extent of what had happened. I went to psychology for cognitive restructuring therapy and we got to some real deep wounds that had shaped the way I think about myself. Feeling unworthy, unlovable, that the world was a dangerous place physically, because I lacked protection as a child from one of the people I was supposed to trust with all of my heart.

I see myself in Bear, the way he felt the only way out was to end his life. For me however, I’m glad, despite feeling like that a lot of the time as a child, I made it through. I’m here at 38, long free of this situation, TRYING to help others with my story.

TAKING BACK THE NARRATIVE

After being afraid to speak for so many years, having a voice feels very strange. Sharing this with you, I admit, feels a little wrong because for many years I couldn’t tell anyone. I guess now I have this platform, I want to free myself of these secrets as well as helping people to recognise coercive control and domestic violence. Even if one person reads this and is encouraged by my story, that’s a success for me.

I’m learning a lot about boundaries and what I deserve in love, I’ve often gone back to abusive relationships romantically because I believed that’s what I deserved, maybe even felt drawn to. How could I relate to safety when my body was used to beating it’s own heart like a drum, alert constantly. I think wanting to heal people and going to extreme lengths to “help” people has led me to realise that some take that for granted and it can alienate others.

Love, to me, is safety, it isn’t feeling like a fire alarm is going off and that you need to find the quickest exit or run back into the fire with a bucket of water trying to put it out. It’s setting healthy boundaries and the ability to say “no”. You do NOT have to live your life pleasing people, YOU are a person that deserves some loyalty too. It took a long time to accept that it wasn’t selfish to think of my own needs and is still a work in progress, but I’m hopeful. Psychology REALLY helped me unravel what I’d been through but more so how it has affected me now. That’s something I’d really recommend talking to your Doctor about, it isn’t for everyone but it really did help me. There is so much strength in asking for help to change harmful behaviours, even when they’re from you and directed at yourself.

I think I’d want someone to take from both my story and the film Obsession, that coercive control and domestic violence can look like everyday life. Even long after the abuse has ended we can struggle to see the reality of the situation, but when you take a step back, see someone else going through it, it looks terrifying. For me, Obsession makes that hidden fear visible but often it happens behind closed doors without people, beyond those suffering, ever knowing or receiving the help they desperately need… and THAT is scary.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

If you’ve recognised something of your own life in this piece, you don’t have to tell your story publicly to deserve support. Whether it’s happening now or you’re still living with the effects years later, you matter. You can love someone and still deserve protection from them.

These services offer support in the UK:

• Refuge’s National Domestic Abuse Helpline — Support for women experiencing domestic abuse. Call 0808 2000 247, free, 24 hours a day. Online support is also available through the website.

• Men’s Advice Line — Confidential support for men experiencing domestic abuse. Call 0808 801 0327, free, Monday–Friday, 10am–5pm.

• NAPAC — Support for adults affected by childhood abuse. Call 0808 801 0331, free, Monday–Thursday, 10am–9pm, and Friday, 10am–6pm.

• Samaritans — If you’re struggling or having thoughts of suicide, call 116 123, free, any time, day or night. You don’t have to be suicidal to talk.

If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 999.

Thank you for reading and for giving my story your time. Love should leave room for you to be yourself, to say no, and to feel safe.

In Part One, we get into everything from PlayStation and Pokémon to Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi, retro gaming, the games that completely took over their lives and how gaming fits alongside life in Patient Sixty-Seven.

The episode is adapted from my written interview with Tom and Lachlan, with their answers read in full alongside my own thoughts and commentary.

Part Two is coming soon, with more from the band, more gaming and some of the more personal sides of the conversation.

Read more from Riff & Respawn at riffandrespawn.com and follow the podcast so you don't miss Part Two.

PRESS START

Patient Sixty-Seven are preparing for a new era but before we look at where this Australian metalcore band are off to, let’s press rewind. Frontman Tom Kiely and the band’s newest sacrifice…. bassist Lachlan Walters, both have long histories with gaming but their respective save files reveal two pretty different players!

Every true gamer remembers “their first”, the nostalgia floods back…

Riff & Respawn: I know you’re into retro gaming, so what was the console or game that properly started it all for you?

Tom: Oh, it was PlayStation for sure. I picked up the game Hercules when I was maybe five or six. I absolutely loved it. From there, I think I got my first-ever Game Boy and Pokémon Yellow. That game brought me so much joy and made me a huge Pokémon fan all through primary school and beyond!

I remember “catching” Pokémon Yellow, Red and Blue myself, on those chunky little plastic cartridges that came in a cardboard box with that stunning artwork that drew you in immediately. It looked SO cool and felt like actually choosing your starter Pokémon as you do in the game… but in store! The big Pikachu sticker that, the more you played would slightly fade and scratch as you pushed it into the big clunky Gameboy slot. You’d have to give it a good blow so that the game would actually register after a while, something kids today don’t have any idea about but was pretty common with early consoles and handhelds! Wow I sound like a Grandpa… “KIDS TODAY JUST DON’T KNOW HOW GOOD THEY HAVE IT!” shakes stick angrily.

I can definitely relate to being a Poke-fan… I went to watch the film when it first came out and had to have EVERYTHING Pokémon…. lunch box, clothing, plush toys and the bloody cards! My poor Mother helping my brother and I trade them at after-school clubs so we didn’t get swindled!

Pokémon games were generally a solo adventure but gaming is also very much a family affair…

Riff & Respawn: What was the game for you growing up? The one where hearing the menu music or loading screen now would instantly throw you back there?

Lachlan: Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi 3. That game is my entire childhood. My earliest memories are doing Tournament mode with my two older brothers, or even just versing each other.

Ah yes… siblings, telling Mum we’d play nicely and then swiftly turning it into a family rivalry set to last a lifetime. Mine started with Spyro The Dragon, my brother definitely had over his allotted time on “his go” because he was younger, I was the one who managed to do the tough bits, let it be known!

Tom also played the Budokai games so the band’s gaming choices seem to be a pretty good match… SO FAR!

CONTINUE?

I don’t think childhood games ever truly leave us, it’s not about the cartridge you put into the console, it’s the emotion you reminisce about years later. Those highest-of-high moments when you- well, me… finally catch that egg thief in Spyro or when you beat your brother in Crash Team Racing for the one and only time!

The tragedies don’t sting as much in hindsight. Failing the same jump for the 50th time is now family lore rather than evidence of something you couldn’t do - especially if you return and finally conquer it when you’re older. I still remember making it across those bloody giraffe necks in The Lion King as an adult. I could NEVER manage it as a child and it made me physically cry., more than once, regardless of age… but let’s pretend that didn’t happen AGAIN when I was 38!!!

Riff & Respawn: I hear you’re a pretty big gamer, so let’s start with the dangerous question… What are you playing at the moment, and what game has completely taken over your life the most over the years?

Lachlan: Currently, I’m playing the new NBA 2K27 and I’ve actually been really enjoying it. I fell out of love with the franchise with the launch of 2K23, but this year’s one has made me fall back in love with it.

I also have a love/hate relationship with League of Legends.

The game that has taken over my life over the years is, hands down, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. I have loved that game since it came out, and it’s by far my favourite game of all time. I do wish I’d kept my old consoles because, between them and my PC, I’d love to see how many hours I’ve sunk into it over the years. My guess would have to be close to 3,000 hours.

What could you accomplish in 3,000 hours?! They say it takes 10,000 hours to learn a new skill, so you’re not far off “getting good” at Skyrim, Lachlan!

I’ve never played League of Legends, but whenever I mention it, seasoned players look at me as though they’re about to tell me a story about the life they once knew - before the game sent them into the trenches and they found themselves at war! This is quickly followed by “DON’T.”, when I ask whether I should start playing it…

I think that’s the biggest difference between the boys’ childhood games and their experiences now. Modern gaming can drag you into sprawling and seemingly never-ending landscapes; our horizons have definitely expanded since running around as Ash Ketchum!

Riff & Respawn: What old game can you still pick up now and completely lose a few hours to?

Tom: There are a fair few. I love going back to the older Grand Theft Auto titles and older sports titles. I’ve definitely replayed the Tekken series and Dragon Ball Z: Budokai games a fair bit as well. I’m usually more likely to pick up my emulators and play older titles than I am to play brand-new games, but that’s mainly because I enjoy the nostalgia and find I’m a bit time-poor to do much more than that!

Not Tom describing himself as time-poor and then Lachlan running round stealing bread in Skyrim for 3,000 hours!

I think emulation is really convenient for picking up old games. Many titles in physical form are now difficult while ageing cartridges and discs don’t always work as reliably as they did when they were new.

There’s something I really miss about owning shelves of physical media - a sort of trophy wall showing yourself, your friends and your family how “cool” and “talented” you were for having played them all! That didn’t necessarily mean you’d completed them though…

It’s sad to think that the days of friends coming round and browsing that library of fun - choosing the game you’d all play until the early hours, with the TV muted after Mum went to bed so she wouldn’t catch you awake on a school night… are becoming history! Then came diving under the covers when she realised the light beneath the door wasn’t the TV anymore: it was daylight! OOPS!

Riff & Respawn: Do you still collect old consoles and physical games, or are you happy enough with remasters and emulation now?

Tom: I used to be a huge Nintendo 64 collector, up until a few years ago. Nowadays, I mainly stick to emulators, but I really do want to get back into more modern gaming as well. There are so many amazing titles out there that I’ve wanted to play but haven’t had the chance to. I’m definitely a casual gamer, and my skill level has usually reflected that.

I don’t think being a casual gamer matters if you enjoy yourself! Games today can be increasingly difficult to enter, often spanning years of deep lore, levelling, farming and crafting before you even reach the endgame - and requiring more than a little time to perfect/GET GOOD at!

Playing with friends has largely moved online where groups may already have been active in a game for years. It can feel rather difficult for a newer player trying to understand what’s happening while their self appointed “teacher” throws enormous chunks of lore at them with great speed and even greater enthusiasm - from my experience!

Modern games may clash with Tom’s ideal of doing more with less. These days, even the hardware needed to run most new releases comes at a hefty price, before you consider all the advanced technology required to make things look REAL. Gone are the days when games like my favourite, Monkey Island, only asked you to point, click and devise some excellent sword fighting insults…“How appropriate, you fight like a cow!”

Riff & Respawn: I always think older games had so much character because they had to do more with less. Is there anything you think gaming has actually lost over the years?

Tom: Maybe it’s because I am a bit more of a casual gamer, but I just think simpler is often better. The control schemes, the objectives—less can be more. I also think the whole microtransaction element of games, even in more recent titles I play like the NBA 2K series, can be a bit much. I don’t think gaming has been improved by the overreliance on pay-to-play.

Having played World of Warcraft for years, I’m familiar with paying a subscription just to access a game, Then there are titles such as Destiny 2 which became notorious for adding microtransactions to in-game items… I totally agree.

When you buy a game, you should be able to enjoy it fully. Optional extras and proper expansions are one thing, but you shouldn't have to pay again to access something you’ve already bought.

New players don’t always understand what these transactions involve and, take it from me, once you start purchasing - a name-change here, a character migration there, cool skin for your ‘toon - it can swiftly mount up!

Riff & Respawn: What’s your most cursed retro-gaming memory? Broken controllers, impossible bosses, deleted saves, blowing into cartridges… I want the trauma.

Tom: I remember when I was about seven, I was playing Star Wars on PS1. It was before autosave, and my sister, who was maybe two at the time, accidentally turned the console off just as I’d finally beaten the level I’d been stuck on. That was tough. I don’t think I recovered from that as quickly as I should have!

Autosave is one of gaming’s greatest inventions, but do I trust it enough not to manually save too? Never, I’ve been burnt by that before!

I wonder how long it took for Tom to forgive his sister?! If he has, he’s a better person than me! I still hold grudges and have vengeance to take on my brother for some of his childhood “decisions”.

Disastrous gaming moments become hilarious in hindsight because, at the time, they’re all that matters. We’ve been stuck on that level or we’ve lost a save file and it feels like the worst thing imaginable because it’s FRUSTRATING! The memory mellows with time as we realise that maybe we didn’t need to rage quit QUITE so spectacularly… Apparently it wasn’t that serious… until the next time we face a similar fate!

Some memories leave scars. Others quietly change the course of your life - and, in Lachlan’s case, shape the music you grow up loving!

WHEN HEAVY MUSIC MEETS GAMING

Growing up I really felt like an outsider with my love of gaming and alternative music, I was a tomboy already so I’d often be bullied for my love of skate culture and wearing my Vans Rowleys to school!

Everyone seemed to be into the new pop band, there was me, listening to my tapes, recorded from Kerrang! radio eventually using Limewire (sorry!) to burn my favourite songs onto a metal mixtape. Blank CDs were such a cool present back then!

I’d be called a nerd for loving anything to do with technology and being a “scene kid” mean’t my eyeliner wings were longer than my tolerance to everyday bullshit, my tights were ripped and my fringe sharp enough to have its own warning label, with ABSOLUTELY. NO. GAPS. I wish I’d had as much of a hold on my life as hairspray had on my ‘do!

The local internet cafe “Surfers” was where I found my people, I could listen to the latest rock music with other “outcasts”, all while enjoying games of Halo in multiplayer! Those poor Warthog’s when I got my hands on them!

RIff & Respawn: I’m fascinated by how much heavy music and gaming overlap. Why do you think metalcore kids and gamers seem to find each other so naturally?

Lachlan: I’d say it probably comes from both understanding what it feels like to be a social outcast, I guess. I know for me personally, growing up and being a gamer already made me somewhat of an outlier to most of my peers—and then add screaming music over the top; most people thought I was mental 🤣

I definitely think that people being labelled earlier in life can lead people to build the strongest communities, because they KNOW what it feels like not to fit in anywhere else. The niche music and gaming communities seem to have woven themselves together and I love that!

Riff & Respawn: Has a game ever influenced you creatively beyond just enjoying it? Maybe a soundtrack, a world, the atmosphere or even the way a story was told?

Lachlan: I’d have to say Need for Speed: Underground 2 for the soundtrack, because that was probably my first introduction to heavy music. BFMV and Skindred were on that soundtrack, which then heavily shaped the music I went on to listen to.

I have so much to thank in game soundtracks for! From Tony Hawk to Forza Horizon…. the list of artists I’ve discovered through them is endless. Even if I already know the band, there are often songs I haven’t found yet that end up being played on repeat because I hear them in a new way in game - usually while doing something mad!

Riff & Respawn: Patient Sixty-Seven have always had a really emotional side underneath the heaviness. Games are getting much better at dealing with grief, isolation, identity and mental health too. Is there a game story that’s genuinely stayed with you after you finished it?

Lachlan: Red Dead Redemption 2, definitely. The ending broke me for days after I finished it.

We DON’T talk about that ending. WOW. I, too, was broken and I’m not sure I’ll recover…

Without wanting to spoil future playthroughs for my readers… I’ve been emotionally scarred by characters’ storylines in MORE than one game and it often leads to REAL grief. We become attached to the fun and invested in these games. Then, usually with the game-makers knowing FULL well it’ll crush a generation, they put the characters through some truly awful struggles: they leave, or they’re never the same as they once were.

Unlike film, maybe more like EXTENDED TV series, we watch these characters go through hell and are with them every step of the way, sometimes even controlling them THROUGH it, even if all we can offer is WASD movement or a few button presses.

We also DON’T talk about Cayde-6 cries big girly tears

PLOT TWISTS AND PLAYER PROFILES

Do I prefer everything to fall into place or an ending that leaves me deep-diving into theories and arguing with friends and family about what it means? If I’m being honest, it depends. I love following a film closely enough to see what’s happening before the end or being completely blindsided by the outcome - but I also love trying to figure out which fork in the road a film has led us down. Is there a correct answer? No… While the director may have had an intended answer, some films leave you contemplating it forever.

Riff & Respawn: I have to ask about Shutter Island because it’s one of those films people can argue about forever. What do you think actually happened at the end?

Tom: Love this question! I personally think that Andrew—yes, that’s who Leo is playing—just comes to terms with the fact he’ll never truly get over the pain of losing his family. It was easier for him to live in his illusions, and he chose to die under the pretense that he wasn’t cured. I think he knew what his reality was at the end; he just didn’t want to face it.

"Which would be worse: to live as a monster, or to die as a good man?" I agree, I think Andrew realises the truth and fully commits to pretending he has relapsed, walking confidently towards his lobotomy because he has internally answered that question.

Those who’ve seen the film will understand that reference. What I cannot quite believe is that someone in a band called Patient Sixty-Seven… LACHLAN! Hasn’t seen the bloody film!!! I’m going to bully him relentlessly until this changes.

Riff & Respawn: I HAVE to bring up Shutter Island because it’s exactly the kind of film people can argue about for hours afterwards. What’s your take on the ending, IF YOU DARE, ha! And do you like films or games that leave you sitting there afterwards thinking, “What the hell actually happened?”

Lachlan: I’ve got to be honest, I’ve never actually seen Shutter Island 😭 I do love a twist ending, though, so I should probably get onto watching it.

Well it looks as though Tom will be searching for ANOTHER new bassist, because I officially revoke Lachlan’s interview privileges!!!! He DOES however get points back for loving twist endings… I’ll withhold my FULL judgement… for now.

Riff & Respawn: Give me your personal pop-culture menu: one game, one film, one album and one fictional character that tells me everything I need to know about Lachlan.

Lachlan: For the game, I’ve gotta go Skyrim. Movie would be Van Helsing, the 2004 movie with Hugh Jackman. Album has to be Scream Aim Fire deluxe edition by Bullet for My Valentine, purely for the song “Ashes of the Innocent”, and fictional character—gotta go with Arthur Morgan.

I think I see why the ending broke Lachlan if he’s an Arthur-stan! I approve! Something about these choices makes me think that Lachlan wouldn’t feel out of place in some olde-school fantasy world, with strong heroes fighting for justice against a LOT of oppression! You can almost imagine Van Helsing in Tamriel jumping down from a mediaeval-style church and kicking ass to the double bass kicks of Ashes of the Innocent. I’d copyright that idea now, Lachlan!

PLAYING ON HARD MODE

Life isn’t all fun and games, sadly. When we turn the console off - real life and all of the shit that comes with it - can quickly come knocking. I wrote these questions for Tom without any expectation of receiving answers but I am extremely moved by his openness and willingness to respond to them at all, let alone with such detail.

Recovery doesn’t mean becoming someone entirely new; it’s often about finally learning to accept who we already are.

Riff & Respawn: You’ve been really open about sobriety and recovery. Looking back, do you feel like you understand yourself differently now than you did before getting sober?

Tom: I think it’s more about accepting who I am and understanding my flaws. I’m trying to be a better person, but recognising that it takes time. I am learning to be kinder to myself and not mask every negative emotion I have. It’s about trying my best to embrace those ups and downs of my true self and work through them. Doing the work is the hard part. But I’m really grateful that’s what I get to work towards, and over time that adds up to becoming a better version of myself without drowning every emotion out.

Sitting with emotion is often harder than masking or “drowning” it. It can be so easy to reach for something to blind yourself to the real problems and pretend they don’t exist. It doesn’t have to be alcohol, there are many ways people “cope”. I think there’s something INCREDIBLY brave in actually doing the work, especially when it’s behind closed doors and not everyone can see it.

Being kinder to yourself sometimes requires a hell of a lot more strength than punishing yourself. As someone who’s recently been through a course of cognitive restructuring therapy with a psychologist to change these destructive inner voices that tell me I’m not good enough, I commend and respect Tom, MASSIVELY. To then talk this openly about it… I haven’t got the words, that’s one awesome motherfucker in my book.

Riff & Respawn: Has sobriety changed the way you experience being in a band? Touring, shows, stress, writing—all of it?

Tom: Yes, absolutely. I just process things differently. I’m not as manic; I can be more level-headed and operate day to day with more motivation and passion. When I was using, it was very inconsistent. I needed that outlet to function, really, and that’s a challenging place to be—the more you engage there, the harder it becomes. The sickness, the hangovers, the stress, the lack of mental clarity. As our band has traditionally been very DIY, that had a huge impact. I couldn’t get much done; I stopped caring about outcomes. It just means I can show up for myself in a more meaningful way now, and the band is something I actively choose to put time into.

A DIY band requires work FAR beyond performing - being able to show up consistently means committing fully to the absolute grind involved in every aspect, from marketing and promo to answering silly questions from random journalists… ahem.

I think having something you love - in Tom’s case, the band - can be a real anchor when recovering from different kinds of trauma. I’ve found writing extremely cathartic but it also carries a lot of pressure, and if you’re not feeling 100 percent, the walls can come crashing down pretty quickly. Learning to pace yourself is such an important skill, and regaining motivation takes time, but when you do… WOW. It’s like that super power you lost for a moment, comes rushing back through your veins. It starts with consistency: showing up for that one thing that gives you hope and drive, without burning yourself out again, in the process of finding yourself.

Riff & Respawn: You’ve spoken about losing some of your love for music for a while. Was there a moment when you realised it was coming back, or was it more gradual?

Tom: Probably more gradual, but while starting to record the album at the end of last year, I felt like there was a spark coming back. It was almost like, “Yeah, you’re not quite done. Don’t give up,” and I trusted that instinct.

Restarting my journalism felt like that spark reigniting for me. Passion can survive trauma, illness and everything else, but in my experience, it became temporarily buried and it felt too out of reach to dig out. Trusting that tiny spark is so important, what does “ready” even look like? Do I need to be completely ready to use it again, or is following it part of what healing looks like? Maybe it means using that spark to light the way through the darkness until everything becomes radiant - BECAUSE you helped it grow, instead of waiting for it to lead you somewhere.

Riff & Respawn: I deal with body dysmorphia myself, so I wanted to ask this carefully. Has your relationship with your body changed through recovery and sobriety?

Tom: Slowly. I have a long way to go. I really mistreated myself physically and mentally, so I’m climbing those hurdles. I can look at myself in the mirror again and not recoil. It’s taking time, but I feel sobriety gives me the tools to work through those issues. I know that it’s improving, and that’s worth a lot.

“Not recoiling” is such a devastatingly honest description. I feel that when I look into the mirror. Even though I think you’re bloody gorgeous, Tom, someone else’s words matter little when your brain is clouding your own judgement and telling you that person is “just complimenting you to be nice”.

Being perceived out and about is a huge thing for me. I wonder whether people are judging me the way I judge myself for things that my rational brain knows matter very little. We certainly wouldn’t speak about someone else like that, so why do we do it to ourselves?! If only it were that easy, huh. Being ON STAGE - the LEAD SINGER, no less! That is MONUMENTAL, Tom.

Recognising improvement is hugely important because recovery isn’t linear, let alone PROMISED. Recovery can feel like a pendulum: you’re not going to feel fantastic all the time, but hopefully, in time, those swings in your self worth, become less extreme.

Riff & Respawn: Do you find being a frontman makes body image harder? You’re constantly being photographed, filmed and watched in a way most people aren’t.

Tom: For sure. I just have always kind of brushed it off, like, “Ah, I’m embarrassed.” But as I have learnt more about body dysmorphia, you realise it’s more than that. I am hyper-focused on it without even wanting to be, but I think, no matter how I feel or what weight I am, it doesn’t define my worth as a person. I’m just trying to show up for myself and understand that if I learn to be kinder to myself and try to live a healthy life physically and mentally, I can be in a better position to deal with that sort of issue.

Worth is so difficult to separate from appearance, especially with body dysmorphia. We’re flooded with photographs of celebrities on screen and influencers on social media who are often using filters, editing, lighting and makeup, to name only a few things, to look their best. We see it so often that we start thinking that WE should look like that, then feel bad when we don’t.

Being photographed when you’re already feeling low about your appearance can magnify that feeling and almost preserve it as a reminder: “here, take this permanent memento of how shit you look. With love - your brain'“. Continuing to appear on stage despite feeling this way is true bravery. I don’t even want to get out of bed, let alone show myself to a crowd of people all looking at me!

If I could speak directly to people with body dysmorphia, including myself, I’d want them to know that looks don’t determine your worth. You could be fucking beautiful and have the personality of a colander, for one! More importantly, look at the way you treat others. Are you constantly judging them for their “faults”? If a friend said, “man, I feel fat today”, what would you say? Most of us wouldn’t dream of saying “YEAH YOU LOOK TERRIBLE!” because appearance isn’t what controls how we feel about them; their whole person does, not just their looks.

Self acceptance doesn’t have to be faked by telling yourself “WOW IM SO GORGEOUS!”, it can start with removing the negativity from the way you talk about yourself, posting a picture, instead of saying “I look fat here but I’m just walking the dog” don’t apologise for yourself. Say “Here I am walking the dog!”

NEW GAME+

Loss, recovery and self-acceptance are inevitably become part of the art someone creates. Knowing what Tom has lived through is likely to change how we hear this album and I feel that “our most personal album yet” is a description Patient Sixty-Seven have earned rather than a promotional line.

Riff & Respawn: This new Patient Sixty-Seven record seems to have come out of a pretty important period of your life. Does releasing it feel different to anything you’ve put out before?

Tom: Very different. It’s about loss, love and addiction. It’s more lived experience than I’ve ever put into our music before. I think people will hopefully be able to connect with the emotional side of the record and the story being told. We’ve released one song so far, but there’s so much more to come. It’s a cliché to say it’s our most personal effort yet, but it really is. I put every ounce of myself into this album, and that’s what I trusted in throughout the process of writing and recording it.

Riff & Respawn: The band are heading into a massive new chapter with new music. If you had to describe the new Patient Sixty-Seven album using a game rather than another band, which one are you picking and why?

Lachlan: Probably a bit of a stretch, but I’d say Baldur’s Gate 3. Baldur’s Gate 3 gives you so much freedom to play the game however you choose, and there are no limitations on how you act or view things. I hope that’s how people view the album: everyone will perceive the album’s meaning differently or choose how they understand it, but ultimately everyone enjoys it all the same.

Riff & Respawn: On the opposite end of that, if you could put a Patient Sixty-Seven song into any game franchise, past or present, where would you want to hear it?

Lachlan: I definitely reckon “Lake Valley” could have fitted into any of the MX vs. ATV games.

I definitely feel the Baldur’s Gate 3 reference works well here; there are so many ways to interpret an album. Once released, a record belongs partly to each listener. We bring our own lived experiences to it alongside whatever the band intended, following different emotional routes through the same record.

I agree about “Lake Valley”, it would be a great soundtrack for ABSOLUTE CHAOS! The chorus would soundtrack my pursuit of winning, while the breakdowns would provide a brilliant backdrop to my many and varied physics-defying crashes… HA!

Riff & Respawn: How involved are you with the visual side of Patient Sixty-Seven? Heavy music fits so naturally with horror, films and gaming. Do those things ever creep into conversations when you’re deciding how a song or album era should look?

Lachlan: Having only just recently joined, I haven’t had too much involvement in it, but it was definitely a conversation they had—especially with the new album and songs, and wanting the artwork to be visually different from previous releases.

Riff & Respawn: Patient Sixty-Seven seem to have built a proper community around the band. I actually found you through the ridiculous number of memes on Facebook, and I love them. Do you think gaming communities and heavy music have that same thing where people find somewhere they feel like they belong?

Lachlan: Absolutely, they do. The street team is a good reflection of that because it’s such a tight community where everyone comes together to look after one another and share their love for the band and heavy music.

I originally found Patient Sixty-Seven through their ridiculous memes on social media and instantly connected with them. The band felt approachable and human, which made me want to learn more and ultimately,… reach out for an interview!

I think an audience can become a genuine community very quickly when the members of a band feel like people they can relate to - especially in such a fun way! I feel like part of the journey rather than purely a follower.

“Looking after one another” is such an important phrase in Lachlan’s answer. Communities are a huge part of why bands can become successful and when the relationship feels one-sided, the effort fans put in can feel unrewarded. It’s a two-way street and I think Patient Sixty-Seven give as much as they receive from their community.

It’s rare to see this, especially with a band whose reach is growing so quickly! I can relate to it through my own communities, first as a streamer and now with Riff & Respawn. It’s important to keep a connection alive with the people who become part of the reason you keep doing what you’re doing and why it succeeds!

Riff & Respawn: You’ve got the new record coming, a new label chapter and a lot more eyes on the band now. What do you think someone who only knows one or two Patient Sixty-Seven songs is going to discover about you on this album?

Lachlan: I think they’re going to discover that beyond the memes are four dudes who just have such a burning passion for music and want to show the world what we have to offer.

FINAL BOSS

We’ve definitely gone on a journey together in this interview, worthy of a Tolkien saga… now it’s time to finish in true Riff & Respawn fashion… some good old-fashioned nonsense!

If memes alone were a reason to play a game, sign me up for the playtest because I can imagine the Patient Sixty-Seven instalment to be a fun one!

Riff & Respawn: Final boss question: unlimited budget, Patient Sixty-Seven gets its own game. What kind of game is it, who are we fighting, and which member of the band is absolutely dying first?

Lachlan: I reckon a four-player zombie-survival game would be pretty funny for us. I’ve gotta throw myself under the bus as well and say I’d be the first one to die because I’m just tall and uncoordinated.

I’m sorry Lachlan but tall and uncoordinated means you’re one of the first to die, the gorgeous hair also means it needs some messing up! I think it’s brave of you to admit that you KNOW you wouldn’t be the “final girl”, but maybe that’s justified by your apparent lack of survival instinct!

I MIGHT have considered saving you but after that Shutter Island answer, I’d probably use you for my OWN escape… if it weren’t ME who was actually hunting you down! You’d make good zombie bait and I’d sell your bass on the black market for more health packs and FOOD!

I think your drummer might make have the best chance of making a last stand. We’re used to hitting things, dexterous with long implements and considering the amount of kit we move around - which NO ONE helps with, pretty strong too. Drummers live in the background without much praise, but that also means we can slip away undetected, stealth mode!

Riff & Respawn: Last one, and back to gaming before I make this too deep. Patient Sixty-Seven gets turned into a PS1 game. What kind of game is it, and what completely useless special ability does Tom have?

Tom: Probably a side-scrolling fighting game, haha. My special ability would be… maybe not screaming—that’s too obvious. Maybe a microphone that doubles as a weapon somehow. Or summoning bass players on command. We’d think of something fun, for sure!

I think it depends whether the microphone had a wire or not, you’d be FUCKED in the age of wireless but you could probably take a few enemies out with the old-school wired mic formed into a trip wire or some kind of trap/strangulation device!

I do, however, think your beautiful hair and vocals combined, would lull the enemy into a trance. They’d be too enthralled by you to do much - you’re safe. I’m sticking with you!

Summoning bassists seems to explain Patient Sixty-Seven’s personnel changes… You might need another when I’m done roasting Lachlan for not watching the film tied to the band he’s currently in….

HUGE thanks to Tom and Lachlan, and all of Patient Sixty-Seven, for the incredible music that soundtracks both my in-game and real life in equal measure. I cannot WAIT to hear the new album! If it’s anything like “A Stitch in Time Saves None”, then we’re in for a real fucking treat. I hope to catch up with Patient Sixty-Seven - and their new bassist, if Lachlan doesn’t watch the bloody film - when the album lands.

That’s one I HAVE to review!

PLAYER 2: YOUR TURN

If Patient Sixty-Seven got the unlimited-budget game treatment, what genre would you choose, what completely useless special ability would you give each member—and who’s dying first?

SUPPORT

This interview discusses alcohol addiction, recovery, body dysmorphia and mental health. If any of these subjects have affected you, you do not have to deal with them alone.

• NHS: Body dysmorphic disorder—symptoms, treatment and finding help
• Body Dysmorphic Disorder Foundation: information and support groups
• NHS: Alcohol support services — Drinkline: 0300 123 1110
• Alcoholics Anonymous Great Britain — free helpline: 0800 917 7650
• Samaritans — call 116 123 free, any time
• Outside the UK: Find A Helpline lists verified support services in more than 175 countries.

If you need urgent mental-health support in the UK, call NHS 111 and select the mental-health option. If you or somebody else is in immediate danger, call 999 or go to A&E.

I talk about the joy of fighting in time with the music, the absolute chaos of its arenas, Paz being the coolest talking skull around, some genuinely brilliant boss design and why playing as The Unknown feels more like performing a metal set than simply playing a rhythm game.

There are lady bosses, hellish realms, increasingly ridiculous weapons, a soundtrack packed with voices from the metal world and more than a few moments where I completely lost track of what was happening on screen.

Plus, I look at the accessibility of its visual design, the moments that frustrated me and why - despite occasionally getting absolutely battered - I kept wanting one more encore.

Heavy music. Gaming. Accessibility. Absolute chaos!

Read more from Riff & Respawn at riffandrespawn.com

Contains strong language.

WELCOME TO HELL

I’m fashionably late to the party, as per fucking usual… While streaming DOOM: The Dark Ages on Twitch (CariMurph on Twitch) a friend in chat recommended I try out a game I’d never heard of. While I regularly play rhythm games in the form of Clone Hero and more than occasionally ACCIDENTALLY shooting to the rhythm of my playlist or in game soundtracks in FPS games… Metal:Hellsinger sounded RIGHT up my street!

Metal: Hellsinger is the combination of really fucking cool FPS AND rhythm game. You're probably imagining that concept to feel pretty corny… but let me tell you, with a layered soundtrack tied into game mechanics, FULL of metal’s most talented names, otherworldly weapons and a cast of TERRIFYING trash to turn to dust… this game has quickly become one of my favourites.

Loading up the game I was immediately struck by the voice actors… where had I heard them before? As an avid World of Warcraft gamer (SINCE VANILLA!) I recognised Jennifer Hale’s iconic vocalisation immediately! This isn’t her first time leading an army of miscreants, appearing as Grand Magistrix Elisande, a major boss and leader of the Nightborne, in the Legion expansion's The Nighthold raid, in Metal:Hellsinger she looms as The Red Judge, mistress of hell itself.

Accompanying Jennifer in the role of my FAVOURITE character, immediately endearing and progressively so as the lore unfolds: Troy Baker as Paz the skull. Troy, too, has a huge resume of video game and on screen roles, most notably as Joel Miller in The Last of Us Part I and II. On more than one occasion I found myself mimicking this Southern American Skull while asking Mum what was for dinner!

DOOM, BUT MAKE IT RHYTHM

Spawning in, it only took me a few minutes to work out the user interface, probably a record for me with my accessibility needs, I was pleasantly surprised! That doesn’t make this game simpler, just easier to understand. As with other rhythm games you receive “points” for hitting on the beat, successive on-the-beat hits activate cool shit, fuck it up? You essentially lose that streak and there are consequences. In this game, rhythm hits and higher streaks mean you rise in “fury”, the really fun part about this? The soundtrack changes depending on how you’re doing! Starting with a simple drum beat, you UNLOCK the other instruments and vocals, with heart racing crescendo!

As a learner drummer with pretty good rhythm despite of/thanks to my restless leg syndrome! I cannot begin to tell you how fucking cool it feels to hit on the beat and build this momentum in the soundtrack. I’m a HUGE metal fan and once I’ve gotten the likes of Trivium’s Matt Heafy or Arch Enemy’s Alissa White-Gulz screaming in my headset, I’m sure as shit not going to lose them!!!

Initially, my viewers and I felt the game felt very “DOOM with rhythm” but this cast is led by some really fucking strong characters who deserve to stand in their OWN spotlight, with lore I wish they’d write books on! It’d be great to read about Unknown and The Red Judge more and Paz’s origin story in full.

The DOOM comparison is a cheap one, I feel, they’re both set in hellish landscapes, they have a metal soundtrack. What IS true is that they both have sick fucking weapons and a chorus of chaos trying to take you out in a variety of different ways. I don’t think the reference is insulting, the DOOM franchise is INSANE and I’d be taking it as a compliment if I’d worked on this game, however, what’s clear is that, while flavours of Slayer’s catalogue appear here, Metal: Hellsinger does so much with it’s own recipe and FUCKING WELL.

HOT AS HELL

It would seem misogny hasn’t reached the depths of Hell because these badass bitches missed the memo… When I realised that both the protagonist AND antagonist were strong female leads, my inner feminism skipped a beat! Or rather, HIT the beat!

The animation makes these girlies look as hot as their backstories. One fighting for the voice the other has just taken from her. Modern day society, much? From the first pixels I was drawn to and fell for both of them, I LOVE an underdog on a hellbent mission but who doesn’t always fall for the villain too?!

Summoning aspects reminiscent of Lilith from Diablo as “mini bosses” for each Hell felt intimidating and sexy at the same time. Choosing outfits for Unknown that range from scantily clad siren to mirthful mercenary, you have a costume for pretty much every eventuality… I’m pretty sure they stink after what I’ve put her through but I’m sure there’s an underground market for them after use!

My “hear me out” is definitely The Red Judge… she’s grotesque and skeletal, an osteopath’s dream… or nightmare… but what she lacks in skin she makes up for in unbridled power and domination, PHWOAR!

I think the fact we don’t have a “name” for Unknown makes her even more mysterious and that really adds to her allure, in my book. If she was on Tinder I think she’d skip the bio section but she’d link a sick fucking playlist!

WEAPONS, WALLS AND ABSOLUTE CHAOS

The sword… THE SWORD can we talk about the weapons yet?! DOOM’s got BFG and Metal:Hellsinger has BIG FUCKING SWORD. I felt so powerful wielding this beast of a thing, aptly named Terminus as there’s not much left of what you use it on! A skele serpent-esque hilt spitting out a ginormous tongue-like blade… THAT is a knife!

Each weapon has its own “ult” a super charge activation for building hits with catastrophic effect. My FAVOURITE was definitely the double speed sword action which when activated, allows you to violently swish around in quick time! It’s force of habit now that when the guitar chugs signal my ult as being active, I “dundundundun!” audibly along with them, much to everyone’s amusement and encouragement!

This game really plays on enemy types and their varying attacks, for example, you don’t want to be round the front of or feel the cleave of a Behemoth but you can successfully wipe out an army of Marionettes with pretty much one swing of your Terminus. Seraph with their beam of “holy light” were particular ARSEHOLES but I found they can be swiftly dealt with when using the ult on your sword which surprisingly, gets a fair bit of range when powered up!

This game isn’t tap tap tap to the rhythm and all will be well, oh no, there were times I had to dash for cover and thankfully found that I could line of sight incoming wrath from some real pricks! There are REAL mechanics to this game and working them out blind was both fun AND rewarding, I SURVIVED!

Speaking of survival… I signed up for GOAT mode, the game has a few difficulties, more that unlock as you play the campaign. I wasn’t going in to LITERAL HELL for anything less then 2 revives but story mode is for wimps… that’s what my Mum tells me anyway!

The aspect fights for me were my favourite, where I REALLY sat up in my gamer chair. There are disappearing plates, spinning wheels, a BARRAGE of inferno in different shapes and patterns, Guy Fawkes would have loved to see them!

I definitely made use of my two respawns regularly and annoyingly had to redo that particular level when I’d used up my bargaining chips/gained points across that run to actually use the res. It always comes at a cost! What felt overwhelming at times with plenty of I’LL NEVER FUCKING DO THIS inner monologue, came unshakeable pride in defeating those bastards! At least til the next time…

In between actual hell runs you get really cool skill checks that can aid your next venture if completed. These Torments give you sigils that have 3 tier rank ups which unlocks as you traverse the various Hells. Some of them are pretty simple as you’d expect but the time limit and locked loadout or specific way of killing enemies can REALLY hold you back! I haven’t unlocked all of them yet but they can certainly help later in the game as the enemies rank up to Siege, Shield and a whole host of other nasties that equal yours!

THAT FINAL BOSS CAN GET FUCKED

I knew The Red Judge fight would be cool…. wow, what an understatement! The sheer SIZE of this thing… I know you shouldn’t talk about the proportions of a lady but BLIMEY SHE’S BIG! Even the cutscene had me reeling and looking to sell my two respawns to the nearest Cambion for an escape! Bring back Seraph… all is forgiven!

On top of her absolutely blinding attacks that nearly sent my PC into Hell WITH her… (I jest, it runs really well!) She has waves of attacks in patterns that feel like Dark Souls fuckery. Not only that, she’s got bloody PHASES!? While the glowing eyes and body parts are fantastic for crit spot identification as an accessibility feature, they’re also pretty scary when you’re clinging to the seat of hell fighting for your life! THEN THERE ARE MORE ASPECTS! JUST when you think she’s down…. her putrefying posse come to her aid!

The Red Judge is a REAL test of all I’ve learnt in the game so far and I can tell you, I’m not up to it yet… but I WILL see that bitch on her knees! Ha! Do I respect her? Hate ger? FANCY her? Probably all three.

ENCORE

The rhythm aspect of this game is really fun and in VR, which IS a thing, I think it could be even more exciting, I have to try that. What surprised me though was how drawn into the story I became, how much this game feels like an FPS just as MUCH as a rhythm game, it’s not gimmicky, it feels like it would make some really cool stories in other media too.

The soundtrack is incredible and the way you build it as you go means there is REAL excitement when you hear these kickass vocalists come in as the icing on the cake. Each vocalist and track made gameplay feel bigger and more epic and I’ve been humming a lot of it, I really hope they’ve released the songs separately too! There are expansions to the game to add more tracks and I really hope this keeps happening as there are so many artists that I’d love to slash and dash along to!

So…. was it worth it, all just for Unknown to learn to ger her voice back? Could she have lived a happier life in mute? I say BRING IT ON! I’m ready to try that boss fight again already!

PLAYER TWO: What game made you fall in love with a soundtrack as much as the gameplay?

Metal:Hellsinger:
https://www.metalhellsinger.com

Metal: Hellsinger on Steam:
https://store.steampowered.com/app/1061910/Metal_Hellsinger/

Youtube:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLslJuCwxznH8gZ2mmPSZlxmrV5tObF_qQ

Finding yourself through Pure Ecstasy

In this episiode I read my latest Riff & Respawn feature on Beartooth's The Surface era, identity, repression, freedom and the journey behind the music.

A look at the weight carried in the lyrics, the influence of Jordan Fish and what happens when an artist finally stops hiding parts of themselves.

Read the original piece at riffandrespawn.com

Contact: Cari@RiffandRespawn.com

I'm Cari and this is the start of a podcast about musicians, creators, gaming, accessibility, alternative culture and the weirdly perfect overlap between all of them.

Expect interviews, accessible audio versions of written features, old game nostalgia, heavy music, questionable opinions and probably a few boss fights along the way.

Press start. Turn it up.