WELCOME TO HELL

I’m fashionably late to the party, as per fucking usual… While streaming DOOM: The Dark Ages on Twitch (CariMurph on Twitch) a friend in chat recommended I try out a game I’d never heard of. While I regularly play rhythm games in the form of Clone Hero and more than occasionally ACCIDENTALLY shooting to the rhythm of my playlist or in game soundtracks in FPS games… Metal:Hellsinger sounded RIGHT up my street!

Metal: Hellsinger is the combination of really fucking cool FPS AND rhythm game. You're probably imagining that concept to feel pretty corny… but let me tell you, with a layered soundtrack tied into game mechanics, FULL of metal’s most talented names, otherworldly weapons and a cast of TERRIFYING trash to turn to dust… this game has quickly become one of my favourites.

Loading up the game I was immediately struck by the voice actors… where had I heard them before? As an avid World of Warcraft gamer (SINCE VANILLA!) I recognised Jennifer Hale’s iconic vocalisation immediately! This isn’t her first time leading an army of miscreants, appearing as Grand Magistrix Elisande, a major boss and leader of the Nightborne, in the Legion expansion's The Nighthold raid, in Metal:Hellsinger she looms as The Red Judge, mistress of hell itself.

Accompanying Jennifer in the role of my FAVOURITE character, immediately endearing and progressively so as the lore unfolds: Troy Baker as Paz the skull. Troy, too, has a huge resume of video game and on screen roles, most notably as Joel Miller in The Last of Us Part I and II. On more than one occasion I found myself mimicking this Southern American Skull while asking Mum what was for dinner!

DOOM, BUT MAKE IT RHYTHM

Spawning in, it only took me a few minutes to work out the user interface, probably a record for me with my accessibility needs, I was pleasantly surprised! That doesn’t make this game simpler, just easier to understand. As with other rhythm games you receive “points” for hitting on the beat, successive on-the-beat hits activate cool shit, fuck it up? You essentially lose that streak and there are consequences. In this game, rhythm hits and higher streaks mean you rise in “fury”, the really fun part about this? The soundtrack changes depending on how you’re doing! Starting with a simple drum beat, you UNLOCK the other instruments and vocals, with heart racing crescendo!

As a learner drummer with pretty good rhythm despite of/thanks to my restless leg syndrome! I cannot begin to tell you how fucking cool it feels to hit on the beat and build this momentum in the soundtrack. I’m a HUGE metal fan and once I’ve gotten the likes of Trivium’s Matt Heafy or Arch Enemy’s Alissa White-Gulz screaming in my headset, I’m sure as shit not going to lose them!!!

Initially, my viewers and I felt the game felt very “DOOM with rhythm” but this cast is led by some really fucking strong characters who deserve to stand in their OWN spotlight, with lore I wish they’d write books on! It’d be great to read about Unknown and The Red Judge more and Paz’s origin story in full.

The DOOM comparison is a cheap one, I feel, they’re both set in hellish landscapes, they have a metal soundtrack. What IS true is that they both have sick fucking weapons and a chorus of chaos trying to take you out in a variety of different ways. I don’t think the reference is insulting, the DOOM franchise is INSANE and I’d be taking it as a compliment if I’d worked on this game, however, what’s clear is that, while flavours of Slayer’s catalogue appear here, Metal: Hellsinger does so much with it’s own recipe and FUCKING WELL.

HOT AS HELL

It would seem misogny hasn’t reached the depths of Hell because these badass bitches missed the memo… When I realised that both the protagonist AND antagonist were strong female leads, my inner feminism skipped a beat! Or rather, HIT the beat!

The animation makes these girlies look as hot as their backstories. One fighting for the voice the other has just taken from her. Modern day society, much? From the first pixels I was drawn to and fell for both of them, I LOVE an underdog on a hellbent mission but who doesn’t always fall for the villain too?!

Summoning aspects reminiscent of Lilith from Diablo as “mini bosses” for each Hell felt intimidating and sexy at the same time. Choosing outfits for Unknown that range from scantily clad siren to mirthful mercenary, you have a costume for pretty much every eventuality… I’m pretty sure they stink after what I’ve put her through but I’m sure there’s an underground market for them after use!

My “hear me out” is definitely The Red Judge… she’s grotesque and skeletal, an osteopath’s dream… or nightmare… but what she lacks in skin she makes up for in unbridled power and domination, PHWOAR!

I think the fact we don’t have a “name” for Unknown makes her even more mysterious and that really adds to her allure, in my book. If she was on Tinder I think she’d skip the bio section but she’d link a sick fucking playlist!

WEAPONS, WALLS AND ABSOLUTE CHAOS

The sword… THE SWORD can we talk about the weapons yet?! DOOM’s got BFG and Metal:Hellsinger has BIG FUCKING SWORD. I felt so powerful wielding this beast of a thing, aptly named Terminus as there’s not much left of what you use it on! A skele serpent-esque hilt spitting out a ginormous tongue-like blade… THAT is a knife!

Each weapon has its own “ult” a super charge activation for building hits with catastrophic effect. My FAVOURITE was definitely the double speed sword action which when activated, allows you to violently swish around in quick time! It’s force of habit now that when the guitar chugs signal my ult as being active, I “dundundundun!” audibly along with them, much to everyone’s amusement and encouragement!

This game really plays on enemy types and their varying attacks, for example, you don’t want to be round the front of or feel the cleave of a Behemoth but you can successfully wipe out an army of Marionettes with pretty much one swing of your Terminus. Seraph with their beam of “holy light” were particular ARSEHOLES but I found they can be swiftly dealt with when using the ult on your sword which surprisingly, gets a fair bit of range when powered up!

This game isn’t tap tap tap to the rhythm and all will be well, oh no, there were times I had to dash for cover and thankfully found that I could line of sight incoming wrath from some real pricks! There are REAL mechanics to this game and working them out blind was both fun AND rewarding, I SURVIVED!

Speaking of survival… I signed up for GOAT mode, the game has a few difficulties, more that unlock as you play the campaign. I wasn’t going in to LITERAL HELL for anything less then 2 revives but story mode is for wimps… that’s what my Mum tells me anyway!

The aspect fights for me were my favourite, where I REALLY sat up in my gamer chair. There are disappearing plates, spinning wheels, a BARRAGE of inferno in different shapes and patterns, Guy Fawkes would have loved to see them!

I definitely made use of my two respawns regularly and annoyingly had to redo that particular level when I’d used up my bargaining chips/gained points across that run to actually use the res. It always comes at a cost! What felt overwhelming at times with plenty of I’LL NEVER FUCKING DO THIS inner monologue, came unshakeable pride in defeating those bastards! At least til the next time…

In between actual hell runs you get really cool skill checks that can aid your next venture if completed. These Torments give you sigils that have 3 tier rank ups which unlocks as you traverse the various Hells. Some of them are pretty simple as you’d expect but the time limit and locked loadout or specific way of killing enemies can REALLY hold you back! I haven’t unlocked all of them yet but they can certainly help later in the game as the enemies rank up to Siege, Shield and a whole host of other nasties that equal yours!

THAT FINAL BOSS CAN GET FUCKED

I knew The Red Judge fight would be cool…. wow, what an understatement! The sheer SIZE of this thing… I know you shouldn’t talk about the proportions of a lady but BLIMEY SHE’S BIG! Even the cutscene had me reeling and looking to sell my two respawns to the nearest Cambion for an escape! Bring back Seraph… all is forgiven!

On top of her absolutely blinding attacks that nearly sent my PC into Hell WITH her… (I jest, it runs really well!) She has waves of attacks in patterns that feel like Dark Souls fuckery. Not only that, she’s got bloody PHASES!? While the glowing eyes and body parts are fantastic for crit spot identification as an accessibility feature, they’re also pretty scary when you’re clinging to the seat of hell fighting for your life! THEN THERE ARE MORE ASPECTS! JUST when you think she’s down…. her putrefying posse come to her aid!

The Red Judge is a REAL test of all I’ve learnt in the game so far and I can tell you, I’m not up to it yet… but I WILL see that bitch on her knees! Ha! Do I respect her? Hate ger? FANCY her? Probably all three.

ENCORE

The rhythm aspect of this game is really fun and in VR, which IS a thing, I think it could be even more exciting, I have to try that. What surprised me though was how drawn into the story I became, how much this game feels like an FPS just as MUCH as a rhythm game, it’s not gimmicky, it feels like it would make some really cool stories in other media too.

The soundtrack is incredible and the way you build it as you go means there is REAL excitement when you hear these kickass vocalists come in as the icing on the cake. Each vocalist and track made gameplay feel bigger and more epic and I’ve been humming a lot of it, I really hope they’ve released the songs separately too! There are expansions to the game to add more tracks and I really hope this keeps happening as there are so many artists that I’d love to slash and dash along to!

So…. was it worth it, all just for Unknown to learn to ger her voice back? Could she have lived a happier life in mute? I say BRING IT ON! I’m ready to try that boss fight again already!

PLAYER TWO: What game made you fall in love with a soundtrack as much as the gameplay?

Metal:Hellsinger:
https://www.metalhellsinger.com

Metal: Hellsinger on Steam:
https://store.steampowered.com/app/1061910/Metal_Hellsinger/

Youtube:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLslJuCwxznH8gZ2mmPSZlxmrV5tObF_qQ

THE REVELATION

Beartooth first graced my ears on an Apple Music genius shuffle with the song In Between, I immediately fell in love with Caleb Shomo’s choral clean vocals and static-sounding screams. This band had everything I loved, riffs and drum beats that played with time signatures and rhythm (my ADHD loves this!), clever lyrics to chant with Shomo and girthy growls to let out my adult angst! I didn’t read much into the lyrics and sang along in blissful ignorance.

Fast forward to 2026 and Beartooth have released a new album, Pure Ecstasy, a far cry from the title Disgusting the record through which I’d discovered the band. Why am I bringing this up? Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock for the last few months, you’ll have seen Shomo plastered all over the internet, the subject of cruel jokes and high acclaim in probably equal measure. His crime? Becoming himself. Caleb Shomo, the lead singer of Beartooth has “come out” of his cage, speaking candidly about the process of understanding and accepting his sexuality… and looking retrospectively at Beartooth’s discography, it’s about fucking time!

Pure Ecstasy is probably the bravest album release of any artist, I don’t know of any other that covers such a broad spectrum and quite frankly, a whole soul awakening to being FREE. This isn’t just a happy record, this is someone’s courage and strife, a musical journal of discovery and I’m singing with Beartooth every step of the way!

If this album is Caleb’s Road to Damascus, his revelation isn’t about finding God; it’s about seeing HIMSELF clearly, perhaps for the first time, without shame standing in the way.

BEHIND THE CROSS

The album cover itself is a powerful piece of the puzzle in its own right. What we can assume is Caleb’s eye, a window to the soul, beautifully made up but bedazzled as though crying and his expression does not strike me as a happy one. This alone would say so much but we are peering through a cross shaped window which obscures most of his face - a very powerful metaphor for the oppression he has openly discussed during his journey. A crack runs right through the heart of the image, is it Caleb broken or the system and beliefs that surround him? His internal struggle in picture form, is he hiding behind religion and pleasing others by hiding himself or did religion force him into the shadows, trying to get out? Is he trapped or hiding?

After listening to the lyrics across the entire album, the struggle between finding himself and facing religious ideals that he has grown up into is plain to see. There are questions here for those around him, for God and perhaps most importantly of all… for himself: how can someone be born into a belief system and still be expected to change so fundamental to who they are? How do you reconcile yourself with something you’ve been taught brings shame within the very church that raised you?

PRAY IT AWAY

Religious imagery doesn’t just appear once or twice on Pure Ecstasy; it stalks the album throughout, Caleb even referencing this overwhelming battle to run and hide, it appears as a very physical entity. God, shame, judgement, and salvation repeatedly bleed into Shomo’s search for himself. Some of those conversations feel confrontational, as though he’s asking why he was made this way, leaving him downright angry. Other times he appears to almost pray, plead, beg… almost as though he’s still trying to work out what he believes and what is his true final form or what that even looks like - if there is such a thing. The more I listened, the more I scribbled down religious and biblical references until I realised the list itself was making the point. They’re everywhere, put your headphones on and find them for yourself.

THE LOAF AND THE JORDAN FISH

WHY Jordan Fish? I mean why not, ex BMTH and a talented song writer and producer is enough of a reason, right? He didn’t just put his usual talent with music into this album, listening to Caleb speak about Jordan, his involvement feels far more important than just a working relationship.

This is the FIRST album Caleb didn’t build entirely alone. Hearing him speak in previous interviews online it seems as though Beartooth was his safe place to show up and tell the truth about how he was feeling, no matter how difficult those emotions could be and without explanation or apology. He refers to Jordan as the band’s North Star, symbolically helping them through an arduous journey to enlightenment. I cannot begin to imagine how hard it will have been to THINK about what Caleb Shomo has been through, let alone telling someone about it and then finding the words to put that into a song!

If any song sums up this journey, it’s Free which Jordan helped Caleb to write after hours of hangouts and deep conversations at Caleb’s place. Jordan shone a light into the dark, making Caleb feel less afraid and ultimately became the catalyst that has allowed Caleb to finally express who he is and ultimately to come out publicly.

Sonically you can hear Fish throughout this album with electronics, atmosphere, contrast and kick ass choruses we can all chant to at shows! My favourite track “Sorry” which you’d be forgiven for thinking was an apology until you hear that feral fry scream of IM NOT a few seconds in… I LOVE this. Beartooth haven’t lost any of their brutal aggression musically but Fish’s polishing has made this shine even more.

Challenging without shutting Caleb down, Jordan has has done far more than help to create a really good set of songs. I certainly am excited to see more of these two as a collab and I hope this won’t be Beartooth’s final feast with Jordan Fish!

Fish gives us stadiums and Beartooth cave the fucking floor in!

EYES CLOSED, WIDE OPEN

Even before listening to Pure Ecstasy, reading the track list felt like following signposts through Shomo’s journey. The titles are a story in themself; Eyes Closed, Beautiful Again, Free, Sorry, Lose You To Find Me, For Me By Me, finally landing on I MADE IT. These feel like very real chapters of Shomo’s journey and it isn’t all a good vibes, highlight reel! It is DIFFICULT to hear some of the themes at times but this is why, for me, this album is so important. Coming out isn’t some linear one size fits all process, let alone when you’ve had such a close relationship with religion at the same time. There is REAL hardship and loss… for me what makes this album so important is that it doesn’t pretend coming out is all sunshine and roses, particularly when your identity has collided so violently with the religion you were raised around. There is hardship here and REAL loss… BUT alongside this there is an enormous sense of release. By the time we land on I Made It, it almost feels like the answer to everything that came before. He fucking made it and it says it on the tin!

EYES CLOSED

What a song to begin unpacking this journey when we’re talking about seeing yourself clearly and unblinkered for the first time. The irony and play on words is very clever. This isn’t a song about ignorance; it’s about being exhausted by trying to find an answer.

Looking towards heaven, seeking forgiveness, questioning whether he’s wrong, whether he’s fallen. Is there a sign somewhere that will explain all of this? Eventually it lands on an almost: FUCK IT, close your eyes and LIVE!

Is he asking God for forgiveness or asking why he should even need to ask for forgiveness at all? He seems to describe himself as “fallen”, maybe from expectations to be the person religion expected him to be.

There’s a prayer like quality to the quieter part of this song that feels like genuine pleading. Instruments drop away and we are left with something that sounds like sad desperation, asking for guidance.

Eyes Closed lives in the contrast between not wanting to see who he really is, not wanting to keep looking for God’s answer and finally being done with waiting for permission. “I’m closing my eyes and fucking living.”

BEAUTIFUL AGAIN

Again the contrast between the title and the song is in your face; how do you learn to see yourself as beautiful when you’ve spent years being taught that a fundamental part of you isn’t?

It’s not a happy “I’ve come out, I’m beautiful again, YIPPEE!’ It sounds incredibly painful; there’s knowledge without acceptance. He can aknowledge his sexuality without LIKING it. Realisation doesn’t equal self acceptance.

I hear anger here, some of it seemingly directed inwards at having believed those teachings alongside the recognition that he was a child and those beliefs were given to him at a young age before he could truly explore and interrogate them.

I felt really sad and moved listening to Caleb talk so candidly about his thoughts and experiences in this song, knowing who you are doesn’t automatically equal self love.

Musically that ugly inner monologue is paired with something very beautiful. Shomo’s melodies and vocals are very vulnerable, dropping to a whisper in places. This isn’t a song that needs to shout to hurt; some of it’s quietest moments hit the hardest. This song IS beautiful and somehow that makes hearing the uglinessof what he’s going through even harder to hear.

Maybe, being beautiful again starts at believing you were never ugly to begin with.

FREE

What is Caleb trying to become free FROM? Religion? Shame? other people’s expectations? HIMSELF?

What does freedom look like for him? Being able to love? Exist Openly? Stop apologising? Actually ENJOY his life?

Free feels like his journey towards freedom happening within the song itself. The verses carry the weight of him getting there, before an almost audible exhale of relief as Shomo finally steps into himself. Looking retrospectively at how choked he felt by expectation, there is pure RELIEF at it finally being out in the open, whatever consequences might come with it. It’s almost as though he can’t quite believe it’s happening. By that final scream, every emotion seems to come out at once, he sounds SPENT! Exhausted…. but FREE!

Maybe that’s the whole point, becoming free and HEALING from what kept you trapped are not the same thing.

SORRY

If Free is being finally out then Sorry is the “Now what? What did this cost me… and why the FUCK should I apologise?”

Coming out doesn’t mean everyone around you is going to react the way you want them to. It doesn’t instantly undo religious trauma and it does NOT guarantee immediate acceptance. Not even from YOURSELF!

Calling this song Sorry is a very clever pisstake, within seconds he shouts I’M NOT! this undeniable confidence and PRIDE is downright sexy! If Free is the exhale then Sorry is what happens when Caleb catches his breath again and it’s an angry and repeated FUCK YOU!

Sorry is probably the closest song to the title of my piece, Caleb’s Road to Damascus. His revelation: I don’t need to apologise for who I am.

He doesn’t receive A new faith, he receives new faith in HIMSELF. Understanding who HE is, seeing HIMSELF clearly.

Even the opening feels loaded with meaning. There’s a strong flavour of Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye which feels almost TOO perfect for a song about Shomo beginning to OWN his sexuality. Then Beartooth promtly tear that softness apart with FIERCE growls and filthy breakdowns. YUMMY! The verses flip into this almost poppy, Britney-esque melody. He’s the badass bitch he wants to be and he’s completely UNAPOLOGETIC about it! The chorus? I can’t stop singing it! There’s something infectious about the refusal to apologise. Even removed from Caleb’s specific experience, I find myself borrowing some of the confidence for my own life!

Who is Sorry addressed to? God? the Church, Family, Himself? Maybe even all of the above. I hear a combination of outward and inward anger here. Underneath all of that bravado there’s still fear, grief, vulnerability. A soul laid bare.

LOSE YOU TO FIND ME

Who is the YOU he has to lose to find himself?

After Sorry’s confidence LYTFM feels like the bill arriving. Finding yourself can mean losing something, or someone, that mattered ENORMOUSLY!

YOU could be a physical person. family relationships. It could be God, faith or the version of them he once knew. It could even be Caleb himself, the version he constructed purely to survive. To me, this loss doesn’t feel entirely external.

Choosing yourself can be the right thing to do but it can still fucking HURT.

Loss doesn’t mean someone is bad, there doesn’t need to be a villain. Sometimes two things simply just can’t exist TOGETHER anymore.

This song talks about suppressing his true self, fighting himself to appease others and how difficult that was to do, the sad yet hopeful realisation he can’t do it anymore. “maybe there’s something more?”

If Sorry is not apologising for being himself then LYTFM is the reminder that becoming yourself can come at a cost.

YOU

It feels like clever sequencing that we see YOU appear after Lose YOU To Find Me, is this the YOU we’re talking about? Who he has to leave behind in himself?

Despite the MANY death references, I don’t hear this as destroying the “old Caleb”. To me, this is acknowledging that THAT version of himself can’t come with him.

“I can’t go back” this is irreversibility. He can be frightened and vascillate between yes/no, he can ask for more time, he can grieve what he’s leaving,… but he can’t UNKNOW himself!

Talking about locked doors, it feels to me as though he’s taken that metaphorical run through the door and he can’t go back to who he was even if he WANTED to. The heightening tension and sheer panic of HERE GOES NOTHING builds with him, heavy guitars adding pressure as he’s about to “JUMP” into the unknown.

“Fuck! Okay, here goes nothing…”

FOR ME BY ME

This song is a declaration of independence and honestly, it suits him!

The questions of previous songs, the panic and sadness has disappeared and here he is, THE REAL CALEB SHOMO. SEXY AS FUCK!

You closes the door on the version of himself that couldn’t come with him and here he is in full fucking colour, answering the question of who he is when he’s not performing to please everyone else. A rebirth into himself, emerging for the first time.

Vocally, Caleb sounds like he’s flirting with us and enjoying his sexuality rather than fearing and defending it. YOU GO, KING!!! It sounds good on you!!!

If Caleb were a WWE wrestler, this would be his entrance music. It sounds like he’s about to walk into the ring as his new self and take someone the fuck OUT! I’m SO here for it!

Maybe “counterfeit love” describes being loved for someone he didn’t feel he truly was before. Whatever it’s intended meaning, there’s something unmistakable REAL about the Caleb we here now… and take it from me… I FUCKING LOVE IT!

I MADE IT

Well guys, he fucking made it!!!

Through qusestioning, bargaining, grieving, apologising and then very deliberately NOT apologising! It feels as though he’s at the top of the mountain, FINALLY looking around and realising HE’S STILL HERE!

It’s almost desbelief, Pure Ectsasy has asked whether he can reconcile his faith, his sexuality and the person he was raised to believe he SHOULD be. The answer isn’t a huge theological revelation… he’s alive, he’s himself. Maybe, just maybe, THAT IS ENOUGH!

Faith hasn’t disappeared from the story, he’s still praying, hoping, still having conversations with God. He isn’t simply rejecting who he once was and pretending that version didn’t exist. His question now seems to have changed from “how can I be this person and still be worthy?” to “why would being this person make me unworthy in the first place?”

THAT brings me straight back to Road to Damascus; he FINALLY realises he doesn’t need to become somebody else.

It’s not a neat ribbon tied package of happily ever after, it seems like genuine disbelief that he has survived, like someone emerging from some enormous internal battle, looking at himself in the light and realising: HOLY SHIT, IM STILL HERE!

Eyes closed at the start, WIDE. FUCKING. OPEN. by the end.

SALVATION?

There’s a question mark in this header, why? He hasn’t necessarily found it in a religious sense… he’s found HIMSELF.

The album, probably intentionally, leaves Caleb Shomo’s relationship with religion NOW unspoken. The ecstasy appears to be happiness, freedom, relief, authenticity, survival and the relief in not having to hide himself… even from himself!

Caleb Shomo appears to have been “saved” by coming out, his relationship with Jordan Fish allowing him somewhere safe to write and to put it simply, finally telling the truth!

Maybe in the album artwork as I relook at it post listening, he’s actually not trapped but BREAKING THROUGH!

Listening back to previous Beartooth albums, retrospectively they feel like this has been bubbling beneath the surface for as far back as the band being formed. This isn’t something new Caleb has been going through, with hindsight, it feels as though this battle has been waging its war on him for a very long time.

Queer kids listening to this album aren’t being provided with as sugar coated version of this journey, quite the opposite at times, but if they can take one thing away from this and Caleb Shomo it’s that there is hope and there is freedom in living as your true self despite the fear and uncertainty. HE MADE IT, SO CAN YOU.

I have listened to and loved Caleb and Beartooth for a long time but why did I feel emplored to write this huge bloody article about Pure Ecstasy? On the surface I am an PRIDE guild member on twitch as an ally… deeply though, personally, I have never in my life heard someone speak so honestly about a journey that holds such importance to so many and that is FUCKING BRAVE.

Maybe it has alienated some of the less open to the downright homophobic “fans” of Beartooth… I say cut the wheat from the fucking chaff, anyone with half a brain can see what a brave step this is.

The Road to Damascus doesn’t always end with finding God.
Sometimes it ends with FINALLY finding yourself.

IF THIS ARTICLE BROUGHT UP ANYTHING FOR YOU

Pure Ecstasy talks about suicide, religious trauma, shame and LGBTQ+ identity. If any of those themes resonated with you, these organisations offer support.

SAMARITANS UK/IRELAND

24/7 support if you’re struggling, overwhelmed or having thoughts of suicide

https://www.samaritans.org

Switchboard LGBT+ Helpline

Confidential support for LGBTQ+ people about identity, coming out, relationships, religion or anything else

https://www.switchboard.lgbt

OneBodyOneFaith

A UK Christian LGBTQ+ charity supporting people navigating faith and sexuality together

https://www.onebodyonefaith.org.uk

Mind

Information and support for anxiety, depression, trauma and finding mental health help in the UK

https://www.mind.org.uk

If you’ve seen yourself anywhere in this album, whether through Caleb’s story, religious trauma, questions around sexuality or simply the feeling of finally learning who you are, I hope you know that you DO NOT have to navigate that journey alone.

ACCESSIBILITY ISN’T EASY MODE

If you have happened to upon my introductory piece, you’ll know that I have been disabled since I was 17 years old, meaning much of my life has been spent looking for accessible friendly avenues into my dream worlds.

What is access? It seems to be more of a buzz word for people to market things these days but what does it actually mean? Let’s start as if we’re teaching Tom DeLonge’s aliens who have no idea.

Being disabled does NOT always mean using a wheelchair, being unable to work or having a condition that is immediately visible. Disability can affect mobility, energy, pain, vision, hearing, processing, coordination, communication, concentration, sensory tolerance and countless parts of everyday life.

Access means making sure disabled people are included and be able take part, with the same basic opportunity as able-bodied people. That CAN include the things we immediately think of; physically getting into a building but it can also mean a whole variety of other things; being able to read communication, hear dialogue, understand instructions, use controls, sit down when needed, avoid sensory triggers or participate without being pushed beyond what your body has capacity for and can manage.

For the able-bodied, a lot of these things are invisible and go un noticed in their experiences of life as the world has largely been designed with them in mind, around what you can already do. A staircase is a staircase, standing in a queue is just waiting, tiny text is just annoying, I think we can all agree on that however!

For disabled people, that is where the proverbial door is shut and participation let alone enjoyment and integration, is not feasible, down comes the invisible shield on the metaphorical portal and we are left outside, wondering what cool activities we’re missing out on.

We don’t need an advantage, we’re asking for what can feel like a very physical barrier to be removed so that we can participate, integrate and enjoy with where and what we choose too! We aren’t asking for the boss to have half its health or for the gig to be half as loud, it’s asking for the obstacle between us and the experiences to be removed.

INSIDE THE FEEDBACK LOOP

Despite being predominantly housebound for 20 years, I took my passions online and started playing the galactic RPG, Bungie’s Destiny 2, to escape from my rather doom and gloom real world. I began tweeting online about how certain aspects of the game felt for me, the good, the bad, the downright ugly. It didn’t take long for Bungie’s dungeons and raids team (my favourite places as I felt I could finally achieve something AND help others through difficult content at the same time) to LITERALLY slide into my DM to ask me all about my experiences.

Feeding back on access took me through much of the game from my favourite raids like Vow of the Disciple to my weakest PVP moments! Little things, barely noticed by other players; lighting and how it hit the ledges on already annoying jump sections to not having to repeatedly press the trigger to shoot back at my opponents when my wrists felt weak and sore, the game introducing an auto-shoot feature on all weapons. It was in explaining WHY these things were helpful that really became the theme of my dev conversations. It made me feel hopeful and when these things were improved or became in game options, I felt really listened to and seen AS A WHOLE PERSON.

I think the lack of inclusion in player-testing can make disabled people like myself feel really dismissed and left out. Even if these adaptations take place without fanfare and creep in via patches and hotfixes, this feedback loop, for me, can create so many WINS for everyone! Auto-shoot has become widely used by the general population, toggled on without people really acknowledging it as an accessibility option!

The portal opened because they were listening. Developers don’t need to know everything about disability; they need to start conversations with people who actually encounter these barriers.

WHAT’S THE GIG EQUIVALENT?

Trading the controller for gig tickets, what does that look like? We can all agree that physical access is a priority and up there in demands. Can someone actually get through the door? Is there step-free entry? Is there an accessible toilet? Is there somewhere to sit with a clear view of the stage? Can I/or my carer park close enough before we even get through the door?

Access starts way before this. Sometimes the barrier is even buying the ticket at all! Accessible booking often runs separately from general sale. Finding WHO to contact and in which method is often a hurdle too high in itself. Do I need to get someone to phone for me, do I need to email or register myself somewhere? What evidence of being disabled does the venue require? Some schemes even require disabled people to PAY for an access card or proof… how is this fair? Will there be any accessible tickets LEFT after all of this? While everyone else is refreshing Ticketmaster with reckless abandon, eventually booking and purchasing in a few clicks… I’m sat wondering whether the very small accessible ticket line (if you are even ABLE make the call) will even be answered, many aren’t 24/7 and whether they’ll reply to my e-mail before the concert is sold out! For most people, buying a ticket is the start of the excitment. For disabled people, it can be start of feeling pushed out.

This anxiety can often make it feel easier to just buy a standard ticket and deal with the consequences later, even when you know standing, queuing or getting to and around the venue is going to hurt and wear you out. I can’t tell you how much money I’ve wasted, gigs I’ve cancelled just because this was too overwhelming to imagine let alone do. Accessibility shouldn’t mean being diverted to a parallel universe with more admin, more uncertainty and more chances to miss out. Build access into the main experience, not a seperate menu nobody can find.

There are really valuable provisions; companion/carer tickets can make gigs possible for people who couldn’t safely attend alone, this IS worth praising, but even a good adjustment loses some of its value if accessing it is confusing, inconsistent or stressful.

If we’ve fought these metaphorical mobs and are actually able to get to the venue, what’s next on the list of debuffs? Can we stand in a queue for an hour before doors? Even with access entry points, there is often still a wait. Can we manage the walk from the nearest accessible car park? Sometimes you have to book these Blue Badge spaces in advance without realising until you get there. Can we leave and come back in to take medication or have a sensory break? Can we find out in advance if there will be strobes/pyrotechnics or other intense effects? Can we even see the stage? Accessible seating isn’t always in a particularly sought after area of the venue.

For someone, like me, with; chronic pain, limited energy, sensory issues and an invisible disability, these things can be reasons these events are inaccessible. The show itself might be manageable but everything around it can make you wonder if it’s really worth it when it feels so impossible.

This is where my gaming comparison because useful…

We’ve talked about how in gaming we don’t need to REMOVE its hardest encounter because someone has different needs. A gig doesn’t need to be quieter or calmer, that’s part of the reason we go, for the atmosphere and loud music, our acts don’t need to be less intense on stage just because we need to sit down, avoid a long queue or enter through a different door!

The experience is why we WANT to go, the route into it should be flexible enough that we CAN ALL go.

ACCESS SHOULD BE BUILT IN

Accessibility works best when it’s the metaphorical “main game” not an optional “addon” or “hotfix” when somebody points out that a group of people have been excluded.

One of the biggest things I took away from giving accessibility feedback to game developers was; no one needs to read/write an Encyclopedia on disabilities to be qualified to make helpful changes to access. What matters is creating a space for disabled people to be part of the conversation early enough that their experiences can really shape the end result.

Music could benefit HUGELY from the same approach.

Accessible ticketing shouldn’t feel like an obstacle course, sectioned off like cattle from the main lane of booking. Venue information should be clear and not take Sherlock Holmes AND Watson to find, often taking multiple attempts to uncover in full. Seating, queueing alternatives, parking and companion access should not feel like special exceptions that have to be negotiated individually every time.

They should be PART of how the event is planned to begin with.

It doesn’t mean changing what makes live music exhilarating, we don’t need rockstars to turn down their guitars and whisper… we are purely asking for more ways to reach the same experience.

Gaming has definitely shown me that you can preserve difficulty, identity and atmosphere while still giving people different ways to participate. Accessibility DOES NOT dilute an experience by making it more inclusive.

If anything it allows more people to experience it EXACTLY as it was intended.

The boss can stay difficult. The breakdown can still be brutal.

Access should NOT be either.

PLAYER TWO: What’s one barrier in game or live music that able-bodied people probably never have to think about but can completely change the experience for you?

PRESS START: Gaming stopped being the thing beside the stereo

For years I’ve soap boxed about the music I’ve found BECAUSE of games, from Tony Hawk who introduced generations of us to bands while we launched our little dude into concrete walls a trillion times, trying to land that one trick… Racing games became accidental mixtapes as we destroyed our favourite Lamborghini into other concrete walls and games like FIFA gave us a theme to run to the bathroom to on menu screens we spent far too much time AFK to!

However… somewhere along the way, the relationship reversed. Kids who’d spent years shooting at pixellated monsters and trying to “catch them all” picked up musical instruments and instead fed these experiences into the music. Games turned from musical discovery playgrounds and morphed into themes for bands to write about, sample and create FOR.

LEVEL ONE: FINISH THE FIGHT

Some games I read about and I’m excited to pick up the controller… other games inspire people to take that a step further and pick up a guitar! Halo a prime example in the birth of Shadow of Intent.

Shadow of Intent took in-game deaths to deathcore in one swift shred of the guitar. Their NAME alone escaping the screen having being pulled directly from the Halo universe with it being the name of the Covenant assault carrier commanded by Rtas ‘Vadum (you should see him with an energy sword, phwoar!). Primordial and Reclaimer even built around Halo’s story and characters.

Let’s face it, if you’re going to deathcore a game, Halo isn’t lacking in material to swipe from! Genocide, religious fanaticism, extinction, parasitic space zombies and humanity begging not to be utterly fucked by a rogue alien empire? That’s a delicious menu! Ben Duerr didn’t exactly have to write about collecting Korok seeds or being killed by a level one cow (what a song that would be though… that’d be MY theme!).

To the unknowing, these songs could be little more than a story of old but to the keen, the enlightened, they sing a battle song that hits deeper than hearing about someone’s irl unrequited love every hook!

Halo hasn’t just found its wayinto heavy music through influence either, at Download festival (while watching a laggy stream on TikTok because my disability meant I couldn’t be there) Sleep Token commanded the legion with the opening of Rain, Vessel tinkling the ivories into Never Forget from Halo 3… LITERAL. GOOSEBUMPS. As if that piece of music wasn’t enough to set the endorphins racing on its own, now I had Vessel combining two of my favourite musical worlds. Anyone who knows me could reasonably argue “Stick Sleep Token near anything and you’ll love it…” and okay… RUDE… but definitely accurate.

There is something sacred and almost ritualistic about Never Forget. Those first few notes are instantly recognisable to those who know them and not as some run of the mill backing to a mediocre game. Hearing thousands of people audibly gasp, in communal recognition, made it even bigger for me. No introduction needed. People knew.

I think THAT is where we are today, where this symbiotic relationship has grown, not some niche nerdy reference that needs explaining… but as part of a shared experience that speaks for itself. An entire generation can quickly translate a few notes and suddenly that nostalgia comes flooding back.

HEY LISTEN! - WHEN YOU RECOGNISE THE REFERENCE

It’ll come as NO surprise that I pre-saved Sleep Token’s album - Even in Arcadia… but what DID surprise me, at least, was Zelda’s Great Fairy Fountain influence appearing in one of my favourite tracks, Past Self. Again, no big fanfare, no clear mention of it, just a deep cut for the enlightened that started for me as “where the fuck do I remember this from?” into “NO WAY, VESSEL, you cheeky nerd!” Though I can’t for certain tell you that this is a confirmed sample of Nintendo’s recording, I can definitely hear the resemblance and was sent immediately to Hyrule.

These snippets are exciting because they send me into a real-world Easter Egg hunt and it feels like I’ve stumbled upon some treasured collectible that the musician is offering me if I’m worthy. Gaming influences don’t need to be as overt as an entire song about Master Chief, they’re tidbits woven into the music itself.

RIP AND TEAR - WHEN GAMING BECOMES METAL

Having looked at musicians taking the nuances of games and adding them as real-world extras to their writing, what happens when metal goes the other way and becomes part of the game dimension itself? If anyone was going to blur that line it’s Mick Fucking Gordon (clearly his full government name…) and DOOM.

OG DOOM had metal coursing through it’s veins with composer Bobby Prince, the game already synonymous with heavy metal music and distorted guitars becoming the in game DNA. A fitting soundtrack for turning anything unfortunate enough to stand in our way into a suspicious red stain on the floors, walls and whatever else was unluckily around to be decorated by innards!

Jumping forward to DOOM’s 2016 reboot and Mick Gordon was handed the quite frankly RIDICULOUS challenge of creating a METAL-FREE DOOM accompaniment! Some nameless individual (I don’t know who it was but I’d probably have gone into witness protection if it was me!) had decided that thrash-metal made Doom feel corny... He put his guitars back in their cases and started elsewhere, using distortion, processing to build something that felt like it belonged inside DOOM’s dystopian world.

Gordon created what he describes as the “DOOM instrument”, pure tones going in and being spat out through chains of distortion, pedals, fuzz, phasers, compression, tape echo and other analogue gear until the very clean tones turned into something corrupted and representative of the way we leave those demons in-game, post chainsaw! Hell sounds fit for a hellscape.

EVENTUALLY guitars were pulled from their cases and crept back into the demonic formula. He even combined a nine-string guitar with the original DOOM chainsaw sound! It wasn’t simply a task of writing a metal soundtrack to go with some demon shooting, these homemade industrial electronics, ridiculous low-end guitars and rhythmic aggression became recognisable as DOOM’s own sound.

Rather than music-makers carrying the games they love with them as though real-world achievment lists, metal helped create DOOM’s IDENTITY. It’s in the very BLOOD that runs through those games. Somewhere along the way, DOOM’s own musical DNA escaped back out and became part of heavy music culture in its own right.

I can listen to BFG - Division in it’s own right, without in game attachment, cleaning the house or gardening that usually requires maybe less BFG! Gordon didn’t even want to really call this “metal” but we definitely claimed him as metalheads with a penchant for suplexing Satan!

NEW OBJECTIVE - WRITING FOR THE GAME

We’ve gone from games sneaking their way into musical writing to metal becoming part of the game’s DNA itself… but what happens when the game actually asks you to write something FOR it?

For Bring Me The Horizon, that call came from the world of Hideo Kojima. IMAGINE THAT PHONECALL?! I’d have probably had a coronary! but that’s why I’m not on Hideo’s speed dial list I’m sure…

Ludens wasn’t a song that Oli Sykes had written and somebody later thought would sound “really cool” accompanying Norman Reedus lugging several metric fuck-tons of parcels across Iceland like a modern day Santa. It was birthed FOR Death Stranding: Timefall, a collection of music inspired by Kojima’s DS. With Mr. Sykes already being a self-confessed Kojima-fan, particularly of Metal Gear Solid, you’d imagine he’d spend a good few months lovingly crafting and preparing his contribution… oh no… HE HAD FIVE FUCKING DAYS!

They’d been in talks for some time, discussing the project with Sony and Kojima but legal wrangling meant, at times, they weren’t even sure it was going to happen! Because Murphy’s Law apparently applies even when Hideo Kojima is involved, they were in the middle of touring Europe when they finally got the green light and go ahead, with one SMALL proviso, if it wasn’t written by Saturday it wasn’t going in, like a shitty metaphorical YOU’RE NOT COMING IN UNLESS YOU CHANGE YOUR SHOES from a boss-level bouncer.

Oli, Jordan Fish and a laptop essentially went full Norman Reedus, carrying the project from hotel room to hotel room and Ludens emerged from the chaos. Oli didn’t just write Death Stranding: The Musical TM. Rather than straight narration, he investigated Kojima’s philosophy which led him to “Homo Ludens” - “playing man” and the belief in humanity’s ability to create, invent and adapt (pretty much what he was having to do with a FIVE DAY TURNAROUND!) Elements and quotes of course made their way into the song but Oli used those ideas as a jumping-off point, describing humanity, connection and our ability to keep ourselves alive.

Ludens was given a video-game feel, with a cinematic and cyberpunk/post nu-metal sound that perhaps would have been lost in conventional recording sessions! So the lyrics aren’t just hiding a line that we can point to as in the Leonardo DiCaprio meme… being asked to write FOR a game, changed what was created.

Ludens lives on in POST HUMAN: SURVIVAL HORROR, something commissioned because a video game had crossed back into the band’s own musical world.

Skip the cutscenes to 2026, Oli Sykes is at it again, this time in a HARDCORE level vocal party of bosses! Grabbitz, Oli Sykes and Courtney LaPlante release “If The Sun Burns Out Tonight”, the official anthem for Valorant CHAMPIONS 2026.

Oli and Courtney together feels suspiciously like RIOT has an incredible marketing team OR that someone there has been rifling through my playlists! Gaming knows EXACTLY who it’s audience is and some of metal’s biggest bands are being deliberately brought into this world. This isn’t an accidental crossover anymore, they’re actively listening to each other’s audiences.

From Never Forget ringing out at a metal festival to the opposite direction of travel, games now creating music for competitive events, specifically intended for thousands of people to experience together!

BONUS LEVEL - THE REALLY NERDY SHIT

Halo and DOOM were apparently just the tutorial for me, in researching and ultimately falling into a worm hole of wonder, I realised that there were many more examples of games and heavy music making sweet love together.

ACHIEVMENT UNLOCKED: CASTLEVANIA

The Black Dahlia Murder weren’t too subtle with their “What a Horrible Night to Have a Curse” ripped straight from Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest. Every time night descends we are greeted with the now infamous line “What a horrible night to have a curse”, it turns out even NES boxes can grow up to be death metal!

GENRE UNLOCKED: Nintendocore

When simply referencing games isn’t nerdy enough… we needed an entire genre! Acts like HORSE the band smash synths and hardcore in a way very reminiscent of the 8-bit music we grew up hearing blasting from our Nintendo consoles. When breakdowns and Gameboys are left unsupervised, would we call that a genre reveal as opposed to a gender reveal on its birth?!

CONTINUE?

I started this article reminiscing about all of the music gaming had given ME over the years. I didn’t realise I’d discover quite how many musicians had been feeding gaming back into the music in return.

It’s a loop: gamers become musicians, games inspire their writing, metal becomes embedded in games, games then comission metal musicians… and new players hear their music THROUGH games.

They’re no longer two separate entities colliding by happy accident. At this point they’ve been sharing a save file for decades!

PLAYER TWO?

What’s YOUR favourite example of gaming finding its way into heavy music? A sample, lyric, song, band, soundtrack or ridiculously obscure Easter egg I’ve missed; tell me what I should unlock next?

PRESS START / BROWSE MODE

Picture the scene; having arranged with 2 or 3 mates, my real-world lobby, to meet under the town hall at a certain time, because mobile phones were brick-like alien trinkets we’d only seen posh business men using in films, pocket money from our parents and a curfew our only equip trinkets. One quest in mind, stealthing into the local HMV and Game stores to see what looked “cool” enough to become part of our armoury.

Dodging the Grannies and their Michael Bolton CDs (no offence Mike, you’re pretty fucking metal actually!), surrounded by racks of coloured plastic sleeves, we looked for something that spoke to us on cover art alone. System of a Down’s “Steal This Album” always a talking point, I wonder how many copies they actually lost to wannabe rogues! Laughing at the Papa Roach’s lovehatetragedy art of a moshing baby and picking out one unlucky mate to tell them that’s what they looked like now! One area of the store held a special place in our hearts, THE LISTENING BOOTH! It was an ELITE level corner of the shop where we tightly huddled in, one party member designated as headphone holder (I’m not sure if this was a perk or a debuff!), connected by thick metal cord to the wall, likely to avoid any repeats of the SOAD album saga with the headphones, while the others huddled around this claustrophobic square trying to listen to the new release we could barely hear over each other’s Space Raider crisp smelling breath!

PLAYER TWO: WAIT YOUR TURN

Having gained an embarrassing number of discerning looks from other shoppers and staff alike for singing loudly in the booth, I swear we thought we’d got the lip syncing on lock but looking back now we were probably inadvertently giving a concert to the entire store… let’s be real it probably looked and sounded like a pack of hyena giggling raucously over the corpse of some innocent herbivore! We leapt seamlessly from music to gaming in the form of GAME. Checking our power walk was at least a beat per minute faster than the rest of our party, sadly then being checked by them to at least the same speed if not faster, one “drop zone” in mind… our grail, the demo console!

Hearts dropping when we realised there was a queue of kids like us already standing in one unified circle pit of nerdiness to try Rayman even though we probably all had it at home. Something about being centre stage on the shop floor for our chance to show the “masses” how good we were at the game… or how many times we could miss one jump in particular when stage fright took over… transfixed by a blinking screen, not giving a shit how many snack riddled hands had held this crusty controller that somehow felt very different to use to the same ones we had at home, our own Excalibur. Pretending to browse the shelves for that “one thing we specifically came in for” until a lull in the crowd allowed us to perform.

DOWNLOAD COMPLETE

Today, sitting ALONE in my sexiest Jurassic Park pyjamas and thick rimmed specs in my SecretLab gaming chair, Beartooth’s new single playing loudly on a digital album I’ve already pre-saved with a monthly subscription meaning I don’t even need to “buy” it, in my Arctis Nova Pro headset that can play my games AND music at the same time…, I find myself asking; “I have access to everything at the click or press of a search bar, did we lose some of the process of finding these things along the way? Do I choose what I discover or does an algorithm do that for me?”

Would I even know who Beartooth were without a genius playlist that curated what I wanted to listen to and expand on that with similar artists? After all, In Between popped up in my musical ingredients one day and by golly it cooked! I didn’t have to spend my pocket money on one of their albums alone to gamble on whether they’d connect with me or not. Beartooth aren’t from England, I’ve discovered so many different genres and styles of metal that I like from around the world, even The Gazette who are from Japan! Where else would I have had access to these sounds and with this ease?

Gone are the days where I would have to carefully carry around a thick bag of casette tapes or book of CDs to change into my Walkman or Mum’s car stereo because it was so primitive as a unit you’d only manage to use one at a time. With LITERAL weeks worth of music on my phone I can now use one gadget and be happy on a desert island for months (as long as there were good snacks and cool animals!).

Gaming is similar, my libraries expand by auto recommendation because I’ve played similar games, I don’t have to worry about my very ADHD brain forgetting where I’ve put that copy of Destiny 2 and buying it three times because the first two have fallen down the side of the bed without my noticing! I have friends around the world I can connect with in voice via services like Discord and even watch them PLAY the multitude of games we find, on streaming platforms!

However, as I sit and look at my original copy of Monkey Island through the cracked CD window, a gift from my cousins with a donated PC they gave to our family, I wonder… when everything is tailored to our tastes, where does the stuff we don’t know we like yet come from?

GAME OVER FOR THE DISC?

With the industry increasingly shifting towards digital distribution for gaming and with our music libraries now online, do we have a NEED for physical media in our lives? The comments on Sony’s announcement clearly had something to say for their CDs. There is STILL a huge market for second-hand copies, with physical stores like CEX still ever present in our consumer landscape. Leaving the house to buy a game at launch or the ever missed midnight release (I won a copy of Wrath of the Lich King when I went to a GAME dressed as a tauren for its MR!). Lending games to friends never to see the disc again because you’ve ignited that same burning desire in them about a franchise and to put it very simply, ownership! I have several really stunning steelbooks from my favourite games and I LOVE that I still have my early physical copies of Sam and Max, Day of the Tentacle, the list goes on! It’s like looking back at Pokémon card collector culture which unsurprisingly have also had a resurgence in collectorship of late! When I go somewhere new I buy a momento to remember my time there, discs feel much the same, but for favourite memories attached to these relics.

Music, hand in hand in this journey, with digital only releases, where is our joy at being the first of our friends to find an album in store (Woolworths actually sold me a copy of Muse - Absolution album a whole TWO DAYS before its official release, WIN! (sorry for not correcting you guys!)

As with the way of most things in the world, convenience is dominant, but should that remove the alternative entirely? Vinyl is a fair example of showing us that having a physical copy and all that it brings with it, can exceed the lust for digital. Artists can release every which way of colour variant and I think YUNGBLUD even put some of his ACTUAL BLOOD in a few limited edition copies, I bet vampires were thrilled!

If physical media is so obselete, why are we still releasing it? Streaming didn’t disappear because someone borrowed their Grandpa’s record player… Buying hard media clearly does the opposite, “this mattered to me so much that I wanted to own a physical copy”. There’s something about recieving a gift card for a service that doesn’t feel the same as saying “I knew you would like this so here you go, have a physical manifestation of my care for you”.

I like digital media, I don’t want to uninstall everything, go to the local shopping centre in my Jurassic Park pyjamas JUST to prove I can… I doubt they’d much like that either… BUT efficiency seems to have been at the expense of some really cool lore. I don’t believe that connections should dwindle for convenience, the two don’t need to be mutually exclusive.

Crusty controller aside, maybe I don’t need the case full of CDs but rather the stories that emerged BECAUSE of them. Digital media gives us almost everything we could want at the touch of a button (without forcing customers to endure tasty pjs!), I just hope somewhere we leave a little room for discovery, ownership and most importantly, happy accidents in finding things for ourselves.

PLAYER TWO: What piece of physical media could you never get rid of, and what memory is attached to it?

PRESS START

Desperate for a wee at a friend’s house, shamelessly engrossed in my gameplay of GoldenEye 007, I finally pressed pause and shimmied my way through the detritus of our snack packet and teddy-covered floor, leaping over my best friend jumping for the controller for their turn, to finally use the bathroom to take the quickest wee of my life so I could dance my way back to the game before my friend had chance to un-pause the game.

Racing back to the room with the speed of a whippet, my friend and I were captivated by the music, how it made us feel, rolling around the room (finally able to after emptying my bladder!), showing the invisible audience our best combat rolls, bathed in the light of the huge box TV screen! Not a care in the world! Looking back now it could easily have resulted in us dying a very Scream - Stu Macher death but I’m not sure we would’ve noticed, we were in the zone!

I didn’t know it then, but this wouldn’t be the last time I was captivated by gaming and music, or by how that combination could make something in me feel most alive.

From the Monkey Island and Pokémon theme tunes to curated playlists in games such as FIFA and Forza, I began to make playlists in my head, way before Spotify or Apple Music were doing it! My brain activated this highlight reel without the need for a button, bringing with it a rush of dopamine from remembering the moment I’d heard that tune in a game and how the combination had made me feel at the time.

Sitting awkwardly on the floor in front of our shared PlayStation, my brother as player one, OF COURSE (I was always the one riding pillion when he wanted to play!), the song “I’m Not Going To Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You” by Black Kids fired up as Andrew set up a game of FIFA 09 for us to play. When I played games against my brother I would deploy the most school-playground of tactics such as abuse of the slide tackle button and sending my goalkeeper running up to the other end of the pitch to take out his team! Listening to this song as my soundtrack made the antics fun and cheery rather than my usual rage quit after being thrashed thirteen-nil by my brother playing as some lower league side to my premier choice!

As soon as the name of the song and artist popped up I immediately added it to my playlist on some early version of the Apple iPod. Being introduced to new music in this way was a real buzz, the shuffle of songs, not knowing what the next “absolute banger” would be or by who!

NEW TRACK UNLOCKED

I can’t write about music in games without mentioning the incredible Tony Hawk series. I couldn’t tell you which songs were from which version of the game but Tony Hawk soundtracks came with a feeling; morphing from good girl who got straight As in her homework and wouldn’t say boo to a goose… to teen rebel, flipping off the “system”, chewing gum, laughing loudly and wishing I could skateboard trick (Ollie!) my Mathematics books! In a school where I was bullied for being a nerd, at home, in game, I finally felt able to release a little bit of ME and that came with the background “noise” of Armageddon by Alkaline Trio in Tony Hawk Underground!

I don’t think the Cari of this period would be hugely shocked to hear that we began rocking Vans Rowleys and didn’t end up doing so well in school! I don’t blame Mr Hawk personally (though my Mum might!) but one thing I do realise is that this is the first time I’d really connected with this type of music in a genuine way. I’d been lucky to have been brought up on rock culture with my Mum who played many homemade mix tapes, usually recorded from the radio, although she did have an impressive collection of vinyl… memories of Dad dancing to Thriller by Michael Jackson… what is a Dad but to embarrass you right?! BUT this was current, it felt new to me, fresh and soundtracked that riot mentality that had been simmering in me from real life while simultaneously allowing me to be a vert skater which I can tell you I dreamt of being but had no chance of ever achieving outside of my console!

RADIO ON

Fast forward and current day Cari’s music taste and wardrobe of black clothing and band shirts has grown extensively! Games and music are still at the forefront of my stimulants but they now come with more screams and illegible fonts, that look more like the antler of deer, in musician logos! Forza Horizon elevated the “I wish I could do this in real life” dreams, flipping over buildings and driving at 200 mph down British country roads. Then Horizon 5 took me to Mexico and blasted Teardrops by Bring Me the Horizon, only confirming who I was… a metal head with a taste for destruction! In a landscape of pop and dance music, metal was still my God. I had the skinny jeans, the silly fringe and I had the shouty soundtrack.

Radio stations in games like this have always led me to new songs that my ADHD has to replay an agonizing (for those around me) number of times on repeat! “EVERYTHING IS SO FUCKED” screaming along in what I felt was a battle cry that in reality probably sounds more like a cat going through a lobotomy without sedation… I knew who BMTH were, I loved their music but gaming brought with it that feeling of being invincible, in a car that would smash up and then repair itself without hurting me as the driver or my bank balance! Everything, I’m pleased to say, was not “fucked” but songs like this gave my inner emo a chance to vent, maybe I was late with homework or I’d annoyed my parents, but when you’re driving around recklessly when in reality you don’t even have a provisional, who really gave a fuck!

WHERE THE FUCK IS THE METAL?

Despite these standout moments, for me, metal representation in games is still few and far between. Where was my Kerrang radio in these games? How long has Metal Hammer been going and still we have one or two songs in a sea of generalised rock and indie? WHERE DO I GET MY FIX?!

Mick Gordon’s DOOM soundtracks already prove just how well-loved this combination is. For me, it’s the perfect accompaniment to slashing, ripping and tearing through the enemies. It was my number one answer in a recent Riff & Respawn for top game soundtrack. For me, combat feels more powerful, more demonic especially in otherwordly games and what could be more metal than a fucking chainsaw?! I don’t think it would have had quite the same effect on me and many others if Madonna had been singing Like a Virgin in the background, now offence Madge…

Why do I care? BECAUSE somewhere there’s another little Cari getting bullied at school for being too good at their work, and they’re owed THEIR war songs too. I want someone to go looking for a band JUST BECAUSE they heard a sick tune on the in-game soundtrack while bombing around their fantasy world.

I want them to become a huge fan and eventually filling THEIR Mum’s spare room with boxes because they’ve bought too many band t-shirts with logos that look like dead spiders.

So…

Player two: what song did a game introduce you to that never left your playlist? What’s the first track you’re requesting on our imaginary metal station?

PLAYER PROFILE

Spawning into the real world (IRL) in the year 1988, Caroline Louise Murphy entered the realm screaming, quickly earning the “title” of “Paddy Murphy” by parents and nurses alike. Surely this was an “Easter Egg” hinting at my future love of loud, metal music?!

Today, my player profile would list that I am an animal lover (if I could turn into one as my druid in World of Warcraft can, I’d be set!), a drummer/singer in real-world downtime and in love with alternative culture. My IRL ‘toon is covered in tattoos, piercings and adorned with various “armor” and “trinkets” that are either completely black or brightly whacky, never in between… I’d be a dream or a nightmare in stealth arena combat!

Picture - ME, Caroline Murphy

PREVIOUS SAVE DATA

As a teenager I’d spend most of my time at concerts or listening to the trove of new bands on a little website they called “Myspace”. I was a real “scene kid”… now classified as an “Elder Emo” or “Sentinel of Sadness” as I’d write my in-game tagline. I had the full winger eyeliner that often ran down my cheeks at shows and a haircut that meant I could barely see… but what I lacked in vision would definitely have been made up in fabulous “fringe attack”, imagine that as a finishing move!

An avid reader, I began to put my fondness for the written word into features, reviews and interviews as a freelance music journalist, bringing my personality into my work which seemed to work well working with both bands and their agents… my “talents” would include being able to talk for Britain… and the rest of the world!

Not being able to shush (as my teachers at school would attest to… Sorry Mr. Duthie!) quickly led me to writing for several publications online including ThisisUll.com as a music journalist, Gigwise.com as a feature writer and several other e-zines as well as at my own blog. I was invited by bands to review their sets with wristbands for many events, including VIP access at Reading Festival where I took my Mum and we met Natalie Imbruglia who I think wondered who on Earth we were!

Along the way I covered many bands including 10,000 Things - the lead singer Sam Riley having since appeared as Ian Curtis in the film Control and as Diaval in the Disney movie Maleficent alongside Angelina Jolie… alright for some!). “Gift of the gab” would be my primary real-world achievement and somehow I even managed to persuade Trivium’s Matt Heafy to let me interview him about his French Bulldog! “What’s the worst that can happen?! is absolutely my motto and it USUALLY serves me well… that’s what respawn points are for, right? Ha!

As well as my writing, I put on several live events as the “CariMurph Club Night” in and around Wolverhampton. This is where my love for all things screamy was truly born, my first metal night was headlined by Eternal Lord who I’m pleased to say are still going today!

Picture - me and Sam Riley in Leeds at his birthday concert with 10,000 Things and The Cribs (early 2000s)

Picture - My review of Trivium - In Waves on it’s release, for an online magazine

Picture - Me and Matt Heafy at a guitar clinic in London after I’d interviewed him about his French Bulldog

20 YEARS AFK

Doing well in school and with my freelancing, of course something had to happen… I’m a Murphy after all, we have a literal law! I became extremely unwell very suddenly at age 17 and was thrown from pillar to post with different medical professionals trying to work out what had happened and how to help me. I was eventually diagnosed with Myalgic Encephelomyalitis (chronic fatigue syndrome), ironically a mouthful to say and explain for people who are already exhausted! Some days I would go to bed and not wake up for a week, at other times I couldn’t sleep until my feet could no longer hold my body up, never truly feeling rested no matter what I did.

Chronic pain and other not so admirable symptoms would lead me to be unable to leave my house and often even my bed, for two decades, breeding anxiety and agoraphobia, I was trapped in the prison of my own body.

Fast forward some ugly seasons to 2025, I decided I would rot in bed if I didn’t do something to change my life, I was becoming a shadow and I could feel it in every aspect. With some amazing metal bands as my soundtrack, I got to my feet and walked my dog, only a short distance, but repeating it daily, choosing my tunes and just getting up, despite the pain, worked. I still have my disability and always will but from nowhere, my will to LIVE and not just exist became stronger. Music was part of that push too, with Sleep Token’s Even in Arcadia becoming an unexpected catalyst for me.

Music and gaming (which thankfully you can still enjoy in bed!) were the only hobbies to get me through some very dark periods, which is why I’m choosing to focus on those now.

PLAYER TWO HAS ENTERED THE GAME

My gaming journey began with a second-hand BBC computer a neighbor gave to our family. One of my favourite memories is sitting on the sofa in our living room watching my elderly non-tech-savvy Grandpa trying to work out Space Invaders! I fell in love with the bright cyan and pinks and was soon a real champ at Granny’s Garden!

A few years later my uncle donated a computer to our household and Monkey Island was absolutely where my time was spent… I could escape to the persona of Guybrush Threepwood, mighty pirate and get lost in comeback sword fighting, “how appropriate you fight like a cow!”

We weren’t a well-off family so my first real console was the Playstation which was a joint Christmas present to my brother and I. I’m glad we have such a great Mum as she would sit and watch us charge around as Spyro the Dragon and Crash Bandicoot for hours. It soon became a necessity to have her there when there was something I couldn’t do, a tradition I still hold to this day! If there’s a boss being particularly unfair or a puzzle I’m stuck on, I get her to sit on my bed and wish me luck and she seems to be a really lucky totem to call to aid!

My favourite era of gaming has to be World of Warcraft in its Wrath of the Lich King campaign and subsequent raids! Having played since Vanilla with Dark Lord Kruul wiped out major cities… I still hold Arthas and Sindrigosa as my anti-hero heroes! I was a raid leader, telling people off for standing in fire and not to get tail swiped by Onyxia (50 DKP MINUS!). It’s here my love of helping people in games and making new friends through it, globally, talking for all hours via Ventrilo, really was born.

Post-WOTLK I picked myself up an Xbox and fell into the squeaky descent of FPS games, Call of Duty Modern Warfare, Black Ops and Destiny! With a friend recommending I try Destiny 2 with him, my ambition soon flew and I began to stream on Twitch where I gained Affiliate within a month! My mic sounded like I was down a well but that was a golden era in itself. Upgrading my setup to PC again with an NZXT custom build, custom gaming keyboard and fancy Elgato, Razer and Logitech peripherals, I was well on my way.

Bungie were the first company to take me on as one of 40 global creators, I had a slot in their annual Game2Give drive and raised thousands for the Bungie Foundation. I loved the game at this time, The Witch Queen expansion was the peak and I was regularly helping people via my twitch stream through the hardest master raids and pvping (player versus player) in competitive and ranked playlists, many with hundreds of thousands of followers, me, a peon in comparison (zug zug!).

Signing NDA’s to get sneak peaks and behind the scenes news, I was the first person to release the name of the game’s then newest dungeon! I was so scared after posting the name that maybe I’d misheard and wasn’t actually allowed to do it that I emailed the boss to double check!

With Destiny 2 on hiatus I moved on to Warframe with Digital Extremes. They soon signed me as an official creator and as with Bungie and Destiny 2 I was given lots of in game items to give away, growing my following to the several thousands very quickly!

With my love of music, I decided to branch out into YouTube and wrote a parody song for Destiny 2 and Warframe with my Australian producer and in game friend. This was a huge passion for me and I’ve always tried to fuse my loves of music and gaming to create something whacky and often funny, humor is my highest stat! Perhaps so high making up for what I lack in the health attribute, ha!

Today I can be found downloading my favourite songs on Clone Hero, reliving the fun of the Guitar Hero games while adding in my modern metal favourites; Beartooth, A Day to Remember, the list goes on! I have even gained 100 percent on expert on several songs, if only that skill transferred to me playing guitar in the real world!

Gaming has been more than just a game to me, it has meant connecting with people - from kicking my brother’s ass on Fifa to leading 40 man raids in World of Warcraft. It’s a place to escape from my health problems with a landscape that can change in an instant; where I can be who I want to be brave guardian battling in space or scared survivor running from the Killer’s hook.

Music has always soundtracking my highs and lows in these scenes, with Tony Hawk and Forza Horizon having some of my favourite real-world bands, alongside trying not to cry at Deep Stone Lullaby (Destiny 2) and Invincible (World of Warcraft).

Picture - Me and Grandpa enjoying Space Invaders on our BBC computer

Picture - Dark Lord Kruul desimating Stormwind with my alliance toon going to have a look! FOR THE HORDE but I wanted to see!

CONTINUE TO GAME?

Here I am, white screen and cursor flashing, have I still got this? You can’t answer that question without pressing “continue” and giving the metaphorical boss fight another shot, right? RIGHT?! SO… the story continues and here I am, dual-wielding my two loves, gaming and music… looking for some players to join my fireteam. The quest? Raiding their thoughts!

Picture - My current setup

RIFF & RESPAWN

My fireteam finder would read:

One slightly unhinged veteran, looking for metalhead music makers to take on the boss fight of a lifetime… an interview with me! KNOW WHAT TO DO.

RSVP: RiffandRespawn@outlook.com

Bring a sword.

It’s been a WHILE… this is daunting!

Years ago I worked as a music journalist who interviewed bands, wrote features and looked for any old excuse to talk to musicians about niche subjects rather than the same old copy pasta they’d probably endured a trillion times… that day!

So here I am, on the character select screen…

Riff & Respawn is a new space to share my conversations with the metal and alternative world about something I love: gaming.

What they’re playing now, the nostalgia of games they grew up with, the ones they’ve rage quit and at which part… (we have all been there! I still get nightmares over Simba and the giraffe neck jumping in The Lion King game!)

Gaming on tour, beloved soundtracks, maybe one they’d love to record and whatever other checkpoints we make it to without suffering a critical hit by wall of text!

Pause the music.
Choose your toon.

Player one invited to “party up” soon.

• CariMurph